Evil I Tell You

So I hadn't written anything in a couple weeks and was feeling kind of bad about it. I was really excited about throwing my two cents out on to the world wide interweb when I started this. I was trying to think of anything interesting that I've had going on to bore you all with. What kind of statement is that on my life that it's taken me this long to find even the slightest thing that could be worthy of putting digital pen to digital paper. And I can't really guarantee that this is but what the heck. I was running errands this evening after work and normally I would think I would be going on and on about the drivers that were apparently only out to clog up traffic. Seriously, if your goal is to go fifty miles per hour, that's great. Do it all day long....have a ball. Just do it in the right lane because the rest of us would like to get on with it. At least when I have the aneurysm I'll know what it's from, the white blinding rage at the inconsiderate and mostly stupid drivers. I'm not in Formula One but there are a lot of times I'm pretty sure I'm better than like 85% of the drivers on the road around me. I can't say that I condone highway shootings, but I understand how they happen. But no, it's wasn't that, and it wasn't the all of the in the way people clogging up the aisles on my errands. Although there was a fun argument I overheard when I was in the men's department. There was a high school kid trying to convince...no, begging, his mom to let him get a tie. She was as adamant that he was not going to get a new tie because his dad had plenty as he was about using his own money. You all remember the phrase, "But what if I use my own money?", thinking that could change the course of an argument. No, we as kids were always wrong on that one. If we weren't getting something we weren't getting something regardless of where the funds came from. Uncle Moneybags from the Monopoly game could have walked up and given us one of those big bags of money with the dollar sign on it to spend and it still wasn't going to happen. So he was whining and begging and the little sister wasn't helping things and then the mom apparently got fed up and told them to put everything back, they weren't going to get anything and they were leaving. Really? It was just a tie, granted he was being a whiney little pain in the ass but everything goes back? I was torn as to weather to applaud the hard line or to think of her as a fascist dictator of their house and that's the only control she has (over her kids) and she's going to fully exercise it. Regardless, I was glad to see them leave and return to my quiet shopping experience. So what was it that caused me to write about the errand running and shopping experience?

Well, it was when I came to the conclusion that Kohl's is evil. Not evil in a legally actionable liable way, or evil in a 'big corporate monster' way. No, it's evil in that every time I go in there I can't leave with only what I intended to go in for. Evil I tell you, with the 20-50% off sales. Let me set the stage. I was out shopping for my sister-in-law's upcoming birthday. She, much like me and my brother, is of the age where we're hard to buy for on gift giving occasions. If we want something we'll just go out and buy it. So it's a pain in the ass now to try and find things for any of us, imagine how much fun buying presents for each other will be when we hit our seventies. You know, the historical "what do you buy for them" years. I'll worry about that when I get there. So I was at Kohl's to pick up a gift card. I know she likes Kohl's and a gift card sounded like a very good idea. The gift card, you know, the present that says I was committed to giving 43% effort in finding you a present. And the cards are in the front of the store, as is the men's department. So I figured I'd just take a quick look to see if anything jumps out at me. It's coming up on fall so I thought I'd see if there was anything new that looked good. As I was looking through my fifth rack of shirts and sweaters, I started to wonder if there was a single thing in the store that was ever sold at full retail price. Everything was on sale. And not just a little but 20 to 50% off. Even when we weren't in these economically crappy times, they would always have big percent off sales. I know everyone does it now just to get people in the store but I don't think I've ever paid full price for anything there. Evil. And as I'm carrying around three of the eventual five shirts I would be trying on is when I came across the family having the tie argument. Which I've been thinking more about since I mentioned it. Why would anyone be so dead set against letting their high school son get a tie? Really? That's where you draw the line in the sand? A tie? Not the PS3, or Grand Theft Auto, or the fixer upper car, or tattoo...a tie. I would think there would be a lot of other things you wouldn't want to buy for him or let him buy with 'his own money'...and let's face it folks, when you're that age, there is no such thing as your money. There's the thought of your own money. But it's purely a concept and normally only brought out when the argument isn't going well and you need a last line of attack. If you have an allowance, that is money your parents are letting you use. And even if you have a job they're not going to let you buy just anything so the concept of 'my own money' doesn't really apply till you're out on your own and can waste it on liquor, cars and women the way you should. But back to the clothes shopping, after the tie party left I found a couple other shirts that I like, bringing up the total to the afore mentioned five shirts. So off to the dressing room. I'm going for comfort and looks, as I'm sure a lot of people do. And it's when you're trying on clothes you come to a few realizations. First among them for me is the reaffirmation of why I'm not a clothing model. Good Lord the lights and mirrors in the dressing rooms are just mean. Couple that with the evil of the store and it's a deadly combination. Not for you but for your wallet. I understand that I'm a bald, fat guy who is swiftly approaching forty but damn, the setup in dressing rooms are always good reminder. You would think they'd want dim lighting and all that for the dressing rooms. Guess they don't want to hassle with so many returns when you eventually get to good lighting.....so look at the mirror and see who is not the fairest in the land. And I'm glad I did. I didn't like the way a couple looked in the bright light, was on the fence for one but two of them were definite buy them now shirts. So even though the dressing room highlights the balding fatness, I should really work on that but I like beer and cheese too much for not being from Milwaukee, I should be thanking the dressing room for saving me a couple bucks on some stuff I shouldn't be buying. A red sweater on a fat guy is too close to 'casual Santa wear', so thank you dressing room. I go from five down to two and I think I may have beaten the store, not too bad. I mean, they still win because I'm still leaving with two shirts I had no intention of buying but I still have a little retail dignity left because I was able to say no...to a point. But just when you think you're out they reel you back in. After I'm done checking out, which took way longer than it should have because I had the guy who was on his first day. Pleasant enough guy but still the blindingly fast pace of the first timer. Why do I always seem to get stuck with the new guy, or first day guy, or the if they think I'm working late again this weekend they can kiss my ass conversation woman. I don't mean to take you away from your oh so important conversation with your girlfriend on the next aisle but maybe you can have your discussion about what you're not going to do after you finish up scanning all my stuff? No wonder the self scanners are becoming more popular. Anyway, as I'm getting checked out one more facet of evil pops up, the ten dollars off your next purchase coupon. That just isn't fair. Now how can I not buy that last shirt that I was on the fence about? It's like they threw that coupon directly at my indecision and knocked it down on the side of buy it. Evil I tell you.