Bad Swipe

So I recently had the overpowering urge to buy someone else's groceries. Twice. Let me explain. I think by now I've pretty well established that I can be a child when I want to, and I think I've also pretty well established that I'm impatient. That may not be a strong enough word for it. I would be the type of person who stands in front of a microwave and yells "hurry up!". So not a good combination. I guess I'm not impatient with everything, I don't want to sound like a psychopath. Just mundane stuff like errand running. I'd rather just knock that out so I can get to things I would rather be doing. I guess that would be a better way to describe it. So why have I wasted all this time describing my neurosis? Well it came on strong on my last trip out shopping. It all started out innocently enough, grocery shopping and doing pretty good. Not too many in-the-way people to dodge and I was finding what all was on my list. It was a crisp fall night and was seeing some snow flurries. I don't know what it is but I've always loved being out in weather like that. Not a full on blizzard but weather like that I've always liked so I was enjoying the time out. Mark the time of death on that though. I was finishing up my shopping and went to checkout and there was one line open, but the lady in front of me was just about done so I figured my timing was great. I'd get done unloading just as she was getting finished up and then all my cereal and flour could take their trip on the conveyor belt to my cart. So the lady in front of me was clueless? An idiot? Oblivious? All of the above? That's it! She'd gotten all of her things rang up, in her cart and then started to dig for her wallet. Really? Didn't think to have that ready in the amount of time it took the checker lady to scan all your stuff? Sigh. Lady jerk. So she finally found that and she swiped the card and the little swiper beeped back at her. So she swiped it again. And again. And again. And again. Then tried it slower. And again. And again. She finally handed it to the cashier to see if she could punch in the card number on her little pad and at the same time looks at me and says, "It doesn't seem to be reading my card." Really Einstein? Only took you seventeen tries to figure that one out? You should apply for Jeopardy right now and get ready to break their bank. So as the cashier is typing in the number you get the obligatory, "but I just used it at the last store and it worked just fine." Listen lady, I know you want everyone to know you're not broke and can afford the Eggos and potatoes you just bought. Well, are trying to buy, but please don't stand there with the vapid look in your face giving me a brief synopsis of your financial history. I could not care less. So as she's elaborating on how it just worked at the last place the cashier let her know it was rejected that way too. Now, you would think at this point in an effort to speed things up and to take others into consideration you may try a different means of payment. Nope, right back to trying it again on her little swiper. And the cashier was starting to look fidgety too. I can't blame her when she has this idiot in front of her who can't figure out how to work her card. I was just about ready to just tell her to get out of the way, swipe my card to pay for it just to get this dipshit out of the way. Seriously. That's where I was. Of course if I do that then all of a sudden I'm the asshole for making a point. I'm not saying my time is any more valuable than hers but come on, have a little consideration for everyone else around you. So the cashier finally flags down a manager or supervisor or whatever you call the person with the bracelet of keys. What does she do? She takes the card and grabs a piece of notebook paper and folds it around the card, kind of making a credit card taco out of it, (which by the way, credit card taco would be a great album name for any band) and swipes it through the reader and I'll be damned if it didn't read on the first time. I'm not sure what magical qualities that piece of notebook paper had but I could not have been happier. So then I proceeded to get my things checked out. Slowly. Hadn't noticed while I was unloading my things but this particular cashier was slooooow. Anyway, before too long everything was through, my card read on the first swipe and I was on my way to stop number two.

Things went well at the beginning of store number two too. Got a great parking spot, not too crowded and finding everything I needed to get. I was getting ready to check out from here too and I was walking up and down the main aisle trying to guess which lane would be my best bet. That's always a fun game to play against everyone else in the store. Then I happened to notice an open lane. You know the types of check outs where they have two lanes one behind the other and you can never quite tell if the line is for the front one or the back one? Well that's what happened there. I think people thought they'd be cutting in line but he was just standing there waiting for the next customer. Oh, and I planned on being that next customer. Unfortunately, so did this college girl with her huge damn cart of stuff. Shit! Got right in in front of me. Now to be fair, she didn't even see me coming in from the other direction. Not like that scene from 'Planes, Trains and Automobiles' where Steve Martin and Kevin Bacon lock eyes when they're both trying to hail a cab. She was just a little closer and since I didn't want to start running behind my cart and looking like a complete idiot to get there first, so goes my open line. And when I say college girl I'm just assuming because she was wearing the uniform. Pink headband, hoodie, sweatpants with something across the ass, Ugg boots and enough makeup to make it look like you wanted to look like you weren't trying. But you were. Seriously, I think a memo went out to all women of that age that that is your Friday-Sunday uniform. Oh, and her fucking cellphone attached to her ear for almost all of what you're about to hear. So she's trying to unload her cart at the same time keeping the phone in the crook of her neck and shoulder. That tells me one thing, her major isn't Kinesiology or else you'd know you can't reach out to grab something and still keep your arm in that position. Plus, isn't it kinda rude to just be yammering away on your cell not even acknowledging the person standing there? I mean as far as she was concerned he may as well been a plant. I understand they're just a name-badge scanning your Pop-Tarts but I'm not saying you need to get filled in on their life's story and see what they're doing this weekend. Just a little common courtesy would be nice. So everything is scanned and ready to be paid for and once again, never occurred to her to get her card out before right then. Too busy droning on about whatever nonsense she was talking about. Then as if a great karmic wind blew through while she was looking though her purse, the phone slips, falls and breaks into three pieces. The undescribeable joy that went through my body seeing that was fantastic. (I almost said undescribeable glee, but I hate that show so I'm boycotting the word all together on principal.) How's that broken phone working out for you now you self-absorbed, little ass. And then before pulling the card to pay she proceeds to try and reassemble her phone. Are you fucking kidding me? Holy fuck, you inconsiderate little shithead. I just wanted to push her down and shove her stupid cart full of groceries into a wall. Now to let you know, I'm locked into this line now unless I want to take everything I have off the conveyor belt and put it back into my cart and go hunt for another line. So I'm along for however long this fiasco drags out. She hands the guy what looks like a credit card but I'm guessing it must have been a gift card. I guess this because he told her there wasn't enough on it. Sigh. So then she starts playing the "can you take this off?" game and firing Bagel Bites and frozen pizza back at him to try and get in under the total. Did I mention she was back on her damn phone by this time? Aaaaahhhh, put down your shitty green phone and focus. Still not under so she keeps scouring the cart trying to see what else she can give back. Then she says, "Oh wait, I may have cash." Well hallelujah. And proceeded to pull out a clump of bills from her purse. Really? What are you five? Maybe I'm too anal retentive and have all my bills nicely tucked away in my wallet so I can tell what I have and not all crumpled up in a pocket like Beaver Cleaver when he's trying to buy a movie ticket. I halfway expected to see a yo-yo and slingshot too. So she's sorting out and straightening out her bills and I'm again having the overpowering urge to push her aside and just pay for her cartful of shit just so I can be on my way. I can tell just from looking at her if I did that I'd get the snotty, "Oh my God!" , or I guess "OMG" would be better for the age as I would have to assume she'd be addicted to texting too. She'd be embarrassed and pissed but she'd always have a story to tell. I'd just have had to let her know that when she told this story in the future (and she would definitely tell this story) just know you would always be telling it wrong. But I didn't pay for her stuff so no worry about the story. And at this point of rummaging through her purse she finally told the person on the other end she'd call them back. Great idea, unless you were on the verge of curing all known forms of cancer I'm betting that call could wait. So apparently between the cash and whatever that card was she couldn't pay for it. Now this is a first for me to witness, she just said she was fed up and just to put it all back. Are you fucking kidding me sweetheart!?! You drag this whole transaction out for this long and because you don't have your shit together, making people wait on you, then you just blow it off and leave? Oh, I can't even find the words to describe the white, blinding rage I was feeling toward that girl right then. I don't know her, and never will, but I can tell you I hate her. So take that. The cashier pushes the cart aside and asks one of the other associates if they could at least put the frozen and refrigerated stuff back. Then while he was ringing me up was talking about how he's never seen that before, to which I whole heartedly agreed. Couldn't tell him what I was actually thinking as we were in public. Although as I got to the point where it was my turn to pay (which I was able to do by the way, score one for being a grownup) I was feeling the rage quickly subsiding. I suppose it could have been worse. She could have been trying to pay with an out of state, third party check. Which does remind me of the check writer incident but that's another story.