So I was thinking about trying to get back into the dating pool. Well, let me backup a little bit for when I say get back into. I haven't been out on a date in, oh, approaching over two years now. Electively. Mostly. Some people choose to be single, some people have singleness thrust upon them. I seem to keep falling into the latter category. I can't totally blame that on the women. I'll have to use my Elizabeth Taylor theory of divorces, after the fifth divorce maybe you are the problem. After running through so many dates, maybe I am the problem. First off, I am a horrible dater. See a prior post about that. And that's not being fair to people who are actually horrible daters. And I try, but I guess I just don't have the ability. Apparently you may as well ask me to be a foot taller, it's not happening. No, seriously. I must suck at it. Some people are bad at math, some can't drive a stick, some have problems learning French, I can't date. Have you seen "Tommy Boy"? The scene where he's describing how he kills his sales is illustrating that point with a dinner roll? That must me me, except instead of him killing his sale I screw up my date. Exhibit A...I am 37 years into my life, still single and could point you to the string of failed and bad dates that I've left in my wake. So my thinking of getting back into the dating pool I'm sure must be fantastic news to all single women at large. "Gee, glad you're back because we didn't already have enough average, bald, fat guys to go out with!" they must be saying. Well I'm on the fence of coming back, it's just a lot of effort any more. I might have had game at one point. Who am I kidding, not even that. It's more of the closing time trophy...trophy may be a little strong. You could probably better call it the 'settle for guy'. I mean, no women ever went out of their minds saying, "I've got to take that guy home with me tonight right now!". So I don't even know how it ever happened. Blind luck or something.
Anyway, I'm thinking about getting back into some kind of dating. When I was actually trying, which let's face it, was less than impressive, I was trying with eHarmony. Like I'd said before, I'm on my computer a lot, I work a lot so let's see what the online world holds for me. And eHarmony was a very tepid success. And I think tepid is the right word to use there, that and you don't really see it in print much. Or digital print. Whatever. Tepid because I was never "on fire", but at the same time I was never totally ice cold. But I can't say that I was overly impressed with the outcomes. So I'm thinking of where I might look next. Laziness would dictate I go back to eHarmony, aside from updating my profile, I'm already set up with their little service. And they keep sending me just stupidly discounted renewal offers. So that's always a thought. Then there's match.com. I know of a couple people who are either on there currently or have been and they seem to have had some pretty decent luck with it it. It also helps that they're both obscenely attractive. And interesting. And fun....ok, I need to stop before I make myself want to go to the garage, turn the car on and suck on the muffler. So they have a few points up on me. But they've all gotten to meet a lot of people and have gone out on quite a few dates, with some repeats. Ok, a lot of repeats. And for at least one of them, my roommate, I always say to her, "and I feel contractually obligated to say that it also doesn't hurt that you're hot." So that could also help explain why they've also got a leg up. But I've kinda signed up for match. I say kinda because when I was visiting one of those friends I just mentioned earlier this year, I was looking at her profile and how it was all set up and how it worked and while I was there I at last filled out a profile to see who all was in the program around me. Seemed to be a lot of people...and seemed to take a lot of time to sort through everyone. I know what they say, anything worth having takes time but man, that seemed like just a lot of extra paperwork. But she had a good eye for who I should go out with, and considering how well I've done to this point picking for myself, maybe I go that way and let her pick for me. So that's match. Then after that I'm not sure. I've heard of chemistry.com and singlesnet.com. Of course Yahoo! has their own singles/personals site, again, see previous post. And there's always craigslist.com. Get a date and sell a used chair, all at the same time. It's like the Walmart of sites, everything under one roof. And that's about it as far as the online stuff goes, and lets face it folks, I'm much better on paper than I am in person. Aside from some of the afore mentioned visual unpleasantness, I'm an idiot with women so that doesn't help. I mean I have a lot of female friends, and I'm good with them, but when it comes to dating I seem to turn into half a retard. So that probably doesn't help either. I mean I don't do anything horrifyingly wrong. No picking my teeth or blowing my nose on the table cloth. I'm not checking my cell phone, I'm paying attention, I'm opening doors and all that kinda stuff. Maybe I'm just a snooze.
There is always that option. I mean even on the dates where I haven't gotten 'the look', I haven't gotten a second date. And yes, we all know what 'the look' is, weather it's you giving it or you receiving it. Regardless of how long you've emailed, texted and talked and seem to have gotten along well, that first in-person meeting when you get 'the look' you know the date is as good as over. At that point I like to call it a courtesy date. How can I describe it. Like when you get that birthday or Christmas present, let's call it socks, and you have that look like, "oh goody...socks" and unless you're a big fan of socks, you don't want the gift giver to feel bad. That's the kind of look. So I guess by that analogy that would make me the pair of socks. Maybe I need to start thinking about how I could sell socks. People need socks, well, maybe not so much in Hawaii or Jamaica but you know what I mean. I'm not saying people need me but it starts to get to a point where I'm conceivably not a bad option regardless. I'd like to think that kind of thinking wouldn't come into play and that I could land someone on my charm, wit and dashing good looks alone. But lets be serious people, the threat of 'it's this or a lot worse' never hurts as an option to steer the potential ladies my way. So how do I want to wrap up this particular big bowl of sad. I'm not sure, normally when I start writing one of these I have a snappy little ending that comes to mind and then I can kinda fill in around that. But this particular topic just kinda hit me and I had no real idea of how I was going to end it. Which I guess seems to be the exact opposite of most, if not all, the women I go out with. They know exactly how they're going to end it.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
"We've Found Fifteen New Matches For You"
So I keep getting a message in my inbox like every other day and it's from Yahoo Personals. "We've found fifteen new matches for you." Really? Because I haven't found fifteen matches for me. Total. In my whole life. So I'm not sure what they're thinking. Let's backtrack a bit. I'm a horrible dater. Actually, that's not fair to people who are actually horrible daters. What's more fair to say is I am an underachiever in the dating realm. I work a lot, and I always have, so dating had never really been a priority. Even back into the college days I'd spend hours working on projects and in the art building for various classes. So I kinda fucked up one golden opportunity to meet women. Well, to meet a lot of women, I met some. So why am I punching you in the face with the stories of my horrifying personal life, or lack there of? Well one of my good friends is doing some research right now about meeting people, for friends and for relationships, and when I was answering some of her questions I started thinking about it as it relates to me. My favorite phrase of choice is 'chronically single'. I like that better than 'undateable dope'. Undateable Dope, that would be a sweet bar band name, "Ladies and gentlemen....welcome to the stage Undateable Dope!" So my friend is single too, which kind of scares me. Not for any rational reason. She's the all around definition of 'a catch', I believe the phrase is total package, and if she's having a hard time meeting people and dating then I'm screwed. Ok, so back to the 'fifteen' email. I remember signing up for that a long, long time ago. Before I felt comfortable paying for an online dating service. Back then I had the impression it was a little shady, desperate and pathetic. So I went as far as to be only half shady, half desperate and half pathetic, I created an account but I didn't pay to be a full blown member. No way was I going to be one of those losers who scrounge the net looking for dates from some online service...take that Yahoo!. So I never did anything with that membership.
I figured, hell, I can get some dates on my own. And I did and apparently my radar is whacked. Either that or I don't have good selections skills. I also resorted to the ever-so-popular route of 'do you have any single female friends' to just about every women I even slightly knew. That's a fun place to be, the friend set up. Sometimes it works out...sometimes...and for other people. Man, those were fun times. And I'm pretty sure I'm not using the word fun right. God bless them, some friends did attempt 'the set up'. And after the various set ups I was left thinking to myself "Really...that's what you think of paring me with? Thanks, I'll stay single." And dating...honestly, it feels like a second job trying to meet someone. I know any relationship is going to take work, and I'm not opposed to that, but does the introduction stage have to be that much work. Holy shit, it's like an obstacle course of nonsense just to figure out the person isn't interested. That's great, I get it, I'm not everyone's cup of tea but could you have maybe figured that out from the phone conversations and not after the dinner and an hour and a half of semi awkward conversation? Sometimes I think some women are in it just for the free dinners. Yes, I'm that guy. I'm of the old school where the guys pay for the date. Thick-headed caveman but that's just how I am. I think at times I would have better luck trying to bend a spoon with only my mind. At some point I'd like to meet a woman who likes me at the same time I like her, but I'm starting to sense that's impossible. And quite possibly against nature. That has to sound a little jaded and bitter...what do I mean has to sound, that is bitter and jaded. But with life not giving me any indication to the contrary, open up for that warm embrace bitter and jaded.
So back to the online stuff. Obviously what I had been trying on my own was doing nothing. Or maybe I'm just like a human form of Ambien and I can't keep anyone's interest. So with that, I decided to try an online service. I'd seen more and more ads on tv so I figured the stigma may not be so bad. I can't remember what year it was, I want to say it was like four or five years ago give or take, and I decided what the hell, let's try one. I'm on my computer all the time anyway, I may as well make it work for me in the dating world too. And I was a little cynical of it but I figured I'd wasted money on a lot worse things, like seeing the movie "8MM" , so I'd give it a try. It wasn't a new year's resolution but it did happen right after the first of the year. I do have one distinct memory of that. I was at a Super Bowl party and I was talking to one of my good female friends. We were in the kitchen talking and she asked how the dating was going and I said with all the success I'd had on my own I decided to get professional help. She leaned in and whispered, "you mean you're getting a hooker?" No...no I'm not, but glad to know where your head's at in regards to me on that. No, I was signing up for an internet dating site. I'd done a little looking around and decided I'd try eHarmony. No one is going to knock over Brad Pitt to get to me but I figured I'm moderately good on paper, single, not married, no kids, good job and soon to have my own house. Unfortunately people don't date on paper. And regardless of that, I realized later in the process, most of that stuff means absolutely nothing regardless of what side of the dating fence you're on. You'd be surprised what you think will bother you but isn't even a thought when you meet someone you like. So back to eHarmony. I decided to go with them and jump through all of their hoops. Wow, were there a lot of hoops. The personality profile took me something like forty-five minutes to complete. Ok, now we're getting somewhere. If that's that thorough my inbox should be overflowing with prime candidates for me to blind with the blistering glare of adequacy. Actually, I probably shouldn't use the word blister in the same story about any sort of dating. Blister, rash and sore....those words are off the table. So I get the results of the profile back and I was surprised, I thought it was probably upwards of 85% accurate. Not bad Dr. Neil Clark....not bad. What else you got? So I proceed to finish filling out my profile and go over it with a fine tooth comb. Then I cough up the membership fee and boom, my profile is live. Let the flood of eligible women start filling up my inbox! I should mention this was the high water mark of the experience. Man...you know, you have certain expectations based on what you see on the site and on tv and I got nothing like that. Folks, I'm not gonna lie to you, you remember the people you'd see on tv pushing these sites? Think back. Got the image. Ok, none of the people I got paired up with looked like that. There was this really cute blond girl on the welcome page, even stated she was a member. Nice! And for the entire time I was on there, she was still a member. Really? Hot blonde is having such a hard time getting anyone to ask her out so she's got to come here? You know, if you want to sell the illusion of 'this site works' maybe you should change up the hot girl image on the log in page. Because I go back to the same line of thinking I had with my friend, if this girl is having a hard time getting a date then I'm fucked.
So I waited to see what would turn up and boy was I not disappointed. My inbox was filling up with a lot of potential matches. Then I looked at them and boy was I disappointed. Just sifting through all of them I had the flashback to the earlier set ups, "Really? This is what you're matching me up with?" But I'd paid for it so let's make the most of it. For those not familiar, let me give a brief rundown of how Dr. Neil's site works. They send you matches based on compatibility of your personality profile. Then in your personal profile, you can elect to have some things visible, pictures mostly, at certain stages of communication. There were like multiple choice questions, the lists of 'must haves/can't stands' and then some essay questions to answer and then on to open communication. And you can elect to have your photos available at any point in the communication process. I decided to have mine show up from the very start, I mean you are either going to like what I'm selling or you're not. Boy, if only more people had taken that same approach. When you don't put it out there to start with it makes me think you're trying to hide something. And then when you did get to see a picture, another warning sign should have been when they're trying to desperately crop the picture right at the chin something is amiss. Either that or the pictures of them at the grand canyon...from a distance. Hey, that's great you had a vacation and all but I've seen the grand canyon, I'm more interested in seeing you so I know who I'll be spending an evening with playing 'Why won't you make eye contact'. Oh, and another thing, in your picture maybe hold up a newspaper, or an iPhone or something so I know it's a current picture. Really? Should you even have to say that? I could care less about the picture of you from your cousin's wedding eight years ago. Again, I know I'm no treat but at least the pictures of me were representative of what you'd be signing up for. Not decade old pictures or one's you'd need to get a loupe to see me in. I know obsessing over the pictures seems a bit shallow, and you'd be right, but come on, if you don't have the confidence to post an at least one decent picture what do you expect me to think. I'm impatient, have I mentioned that,(see previous posts) so I'm one for wanting to see who I'm 'talking' with right off the bat.
So let me give you some of the highlights of my matches. There was the mute, gray tooth, neck tattoo, no eye contact, short answer and the Australian. Maybe I'll go into some more depth on those in a later post but hopefully you can pick up from just the descriptions of how well that all had worked out for me. Actually, there were a couple that almost broke on through to the other side, apologies to Jim Morrison. Wait, what do I care, he's dead. There was one that I thought was actually maybe gonna work out, then it didn't. And really, for no reason I can come up with. Really, and I'm not just saying that being blind to my flaws. I really have no idea what happened there. That's why I love the idea of a dating exit interview. "What did you like about the candidate, what didn't you like about the candidate?" And so on and so on. So what would I like to leave you with after all this incessant rambling? Well, I guess the "38 year old shortstop theory" would sum it up best. When a short stop breaks into the league at 23 or 24, he's diving all over the place trying to make plays. Fast forward to that same short stop at 38. He'll make the play if the ball is hit to him. So that's where I'm at, the 38 year old short stop of dating. I'm done diving all over the field but if one's hit right to me I'll make the play.
I figured, hell, I can get some dates on my own. And I did and apparently my radar is whacked. Either that or I don't have good selections skills. I also resorted to the ever-so-popular route of 'do you have any single female friends' to just about every women I even slightly knew. That's a fun place to be, the friend set up. Sometimes it works out...sometimes...and for other people. Man, those were fun times. And I'm pretty sure I'm not using the word fun right. God bless them, some friends did attempt 'the set up'. And after the various set ups I was left thinking to myself "Really...that's what you think of paring me with? Thanks, I'll stay single." And dating...honestly, it feels like a second job trying to meet someone. I know any relationship is going to take work, and I'm not opposed to that, but does the introduction stage have to be that much work. Holy shit, it's like an obstacle course of nonsense just to figure out the person isn't interested. That's great, I get it, I'm not everyone's cup of tea but could you have maybe figured that out from the phone conversations and not after the dinner and an hour and a half of semi awkward conversation? Sometimes I think some women are in it just for the free dinners. Yes, I'm that guy. I'm of the old school where the guys pay for the date. Thick-headed caveman but that's just how I am. I think at times I would have better luck trying to bend a spoon with only my mind. At some point I'd like to meet a woman who likes me at the same time I like her, but I'm starting to sense that's impossible. And quite possibly against nature. That has to sound a little jaded and bitter...what do I mean has to sound, that is bitter and jaded. But with life not giving me any indication to the contrary, open up for that warm embrace bitter and jaded.
So back to the online stuff. Obviously what I had been trying on my own was doing nothing. Or maybe I'm just like a human form of Ambien and I can't keep anyone's interest. So with that, I decided to try an online service. I'd seen more and more ads on tv so I figured the stigma may not be so bad. I can't remember what year it was, I want to say it was like four or five years ago give or take, and I decided what the hell, let's try one. I'm on my computer all the time anyway, I may as well make it work for me in the dating world too. And I was a little cynical of it but I figured I'd wasted money on a lot worse things, like seeing the movie "8MM" , so I'd give it a try. It wasn't a new year's resolution but it did happen right after the first of the year. I do have one distinct memory of that. I was at a Super Bowl party and I was talking to one of my good female friends. We were in the kitchen talking and she asked how the dating was going and I said with all the success I'd had on my own I decided to get professional help. She leaned in and whispered, "you mean you're getting a hooker?" No...no I'm not, but glad to know where your head's at in regards to me on that. No, I was signing up for an internet dating site. I'd done a little looking around and decided I'd try eHarmony. No one is going to knock over Brad Pitt to get to me but I figured I'm moderately good on paper, single, not married, no kids, good job and soon to have my own house. Unfortunately people don't date on paper. And regardless of that, I realized later in the process, most of that stuff means absolutely nothing regardless of what side of the dating fence you're on. You'd be surprised what you think will bother you but isn't even a thought when you meet someone you like. So back to eHarmony. I decided to go with them and jump through all of their hoops. Wow, were there a lot of hoops. The personality profile took me something like forty-five minutes to complete. Ok, now we're getting somewhere. If that's that thorough my inbox should be overflowing with prime candidates for me to blind with the blistering glare of adequacy. Actually, I probably shouldn't use the word blister in the same story about any sort of dating. Blister, rash and sore....those words are off the table. So I get the results of the profile back and I was surprised, I thought it was probably upwards of 85% accurate. Not bad Dr. Neil Clark....not bad. What else you got? So I proceed to finish filling out my profile and go over it with a fine tooth comb. Then I cough up the membership fee and boom, my profile is live. Let the flood of eligible women start filling up my inbox! I should mention this was the high water mark of the experience. Man...you know, you have certain expectations based on what you see on the site and on tv and I got nothing like that. Folks, I'm not gonna lie to you, you remember the people you'd see on tv pushing these sites? Think back. Got the image. Ok, none of the people I got paired up with looked like that. There was this really cute blond girl on the welcome page, even stated she was a member. Nice! And for the entire time I was on there, she was still a member. Really? Hot blonde is having such a hard time getting anyone to ask her out so she's got to come here? You know, if you want to sell the illusion of 'this site works' maybe you should change up the hot girl image on the log in page. Because I go back to the same line of thinking I had with my friend, if this girl is having a hard time getting a date then I'm fucked.
So I waited to see what would turn up and boy was I not disappointed. My inbox was filling up with a lot of potential matches. Then I looked at them and boy was I disappointed. Just sifting through all of them I had the flashback to the earlier set ups, "Really? This is what you're matching me up with?" But I'd paid for it so let's make the most of it. For those not familiar, let me give a brief rundown of how Dr. Neil's site works. They send you matches based on compatibility of your personality profile. Then in your personal profile, you can elect to have some things visible, pictures mostly, at certain stages of communication. There were like multiple choice questions, the lists of 'must haves/can't stands' and then some essay questions to answer and then on to open communication. And you can elect to have your photos available at any point in the communication process. I decided to have mine show up from the very start, I mean you are either going to like what I'm selling or you're not. Boy, if only more people had taken that same approach. When you don't put it out there to start with it makes me think you're trying to hide something. And then when you did get to see a picture, another warning sign should have been when they're trying to desperately crop the picture right at the chin something is amiss. Either that or the pictures of them at the grand canyon...from a distance. Hey, that's great you had a vacation and all but I've seen the grand canyon, I'm more interested in seeing you so I know who I'll be spending an evening with playing 'Why won't you make eye contact'. Oh, and another thing, in your picture maybe hold up a newspaper, or an iPhone or something so I know it's a current picture. Really? Should you even have to say that? I could care less about the picture of you from your cousin's wedding eight years ago. Again, I know I'm no treat but at least the pictures of me were representative of what you'd be signing up for. Not decade old pictures or one's you'd need to get a loupe to see me in. I know obsessing over the pictures seems a bit shallow, and you'd be right, but come on, if you don't have the confidence to post an at least one decent picture what do you expect me to think. I'm impatient, have I mentioned that,(see previous posts) so I'm one for wanting to see who I'm 'talking' with right off the bat.
So let me give you some of the highlights of my matches. There was the mute, gray tooth, neck tattoo, no eye contact, short answer and the Australian. Maybe I'll go into some more depth on those in a later post but hopefully you can pick up from just the descriptions of how well that all had worked out for me. Actually, there were a couple that almost broke on through to the other side, apologies to Jim Morrison. Wait, what do I care, he's dead. There was one that I thought was actually maybe gonna work out, then it didn't. And really, for no reason I can come up with. Really, and I'm not just saying that being blind to my flaws. I really have no idea what happened there. That's why I love the idea of a dating exit interview. "What did you like about the candidate, what didn't you like about the candidate?" And so on and so on. So what would I like to leave you with after all this incessant rambling? Well, I guess the "38 year old shortstop theory" would sum it up best. When a short stop breaks into the league at 23 or 24, he's diving all over the place trying to make plays. Fast forward to that same short stop at 38. He'll make the play if the ball is hit to him. So that's where I'm at, the 38 year old short stop of dating. I'm done diving all over the field but if one's hit right to me I'll make the play.
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