"We've Found Fifteen New Matches For You"

So I keep getting a message in my inbox like every other day and it's from Yahoo Personals. "We've found fifteen new matches for you." Really? Because I haven't found fifteen matches for me. Total. In my whole life. So I'm not sure what they're thinking. Let's backtrack a bit. I'm a horrible dater. Actually, that's not fair to people who are actually horrible daters. What's more fair to say is I am an underachiever in the dating realm. I work a lot, and I always have, so dating had never really been a priority. Even back into the college days I'd spend hours working on projects and in the art building for various classes. So I kinda fucked up one golden opportunity to meet women. Well, to meet a lot of women, I met some. So why am I punching you in the face with the stories of my horrifying personal life, or lack there of? Well one of my good friends is doing some research right now about meeting people, for friends and for relationships, and when I was answering some of her questions I started thinking about it as it relates to me. My favorite phrase of choice is 'chronically single'. I like that better than 'undateable dope'. Undateable Dope, that would be a sweet bar band name, "Ladies and gentlemen....welcome to the stage Undateable Dope!" So my friend is single too, which kind of scares me. Not for any rational reason. She's the all around definition of 'a catch', I believe the phrase is total package, and if she's having a hard time meeting people and dating then I'm screwed. Ok, so back to the 'fifteen' email. I remember signing up for that a long, long time ago. Before I felt comfortable paying for an online dating service. Back then I had the impression it was a little shady, desperate and pathetic. So I went as far as to be only half shady, half desperate and half pathetic, I created an account but I didn't pay to be a full blown member. No way was I going to be one of those losers who scrounge the net looking for dates from some online service...take that Yahoo!. So I never did anything with that membership.

I figured, hell, I can get some dates on my own. And I did and apparently my radar is whacked. Either that or I don't have good selections skills. I also resorted to the ever-so-popular route of 'do you have any single female friends' to just about every women I even slightly knew. That's a fun place to be, the friend set up. Sometimes it works out...sometimes...and for other people. Man, those were fun times. And I'm pretty sure I'm not using the word fun right. God bless them, some friends did attempt 'the set up'. And after the various set ups I was left thinking to myself "Really...that's what you think of paring me with? Thanks, I'll stay single." And dating...honestly, it feels like a second job trying to meet someone. I know any relationship is going to take work, and I'm not opposed to that, but does the introduction stage have to be that much work. Holy shit, it's like an obstacle course of nonsense just to figure out the person isn't interested. That's great, I get it, I'm not everyone's cup of tea but could you have maybe figured that out from the phone conversations and not after the dinner and an hour and a half of semi awkward conversation? Sometimes I think some women are in it just for the free dinners. Yes, I'm that guy. I'm of the old school where the guys pay for the date. Thick-headed caveman but that's just how I am. I think at times I would have better luck trying to bend a spoon with only my mind. At some point I'd like to meet a woman who likes me at the same time I like her, but I'm starting to sense that's impossible. And quite possibly against nature. That has to sound a little jaded and bitter...what do I mean has to sound, that is bitter and jaded. But with life not giving me any indication to the contrary, open up for that warm embrace bitter and jaded.

So back to the online stuff. Obviously what I had been trying on my own was doing nothing. Or maybe I'm just like a human form of Ambien and I can't keep anyone's interest. So with that, I decided to try an online service. I'd seen more and more ads on tv so I figured the stigma may not be so bad. I can't remember what year it was, I want to say it was like four or five years ago give or take, and I decided what the hell, let's try one. I'm on my computer all the time anyway, I may as well make it work for me in the dating world too. And I was a little cynical of it but I figured I'd wasted money on a lot worse things, like seeing the movie "8MM" , so I'd give it a try. It wasn't a new year's resolution but it did happen right after the first of the year. I do have one distinct memory of that. I was at a Super Bowl party and I was talking to one of my good female friends. We were in the kitchen talking and she asked how the dating was going and I said with all the success I'd had on my own I decided to get professional help. She leaned in and whispered, "you mean you're getting a hooker?" No...no I'm not, but glad to know where your head's at in regards to me on that. No, I was signing up for an internet dating site. I'd done a little looking around and decided I'd try eHarmony. No one is going to knock over Brad Pitt to get to me but I figured I'm moderately good on paper, single, not married, no kids, good job and soon to have my own house. Unfortunately people don't date on paper. And regardless of that, I realized later in the process, most of that stuff means absolutely nothing regardless of what side of the dating fence you're on. You'd be surprised what you think will bother you but isn't even a thought when you meet someone you like. So back to eHarmony. I decided to go with them and jump through all of their hoops. Wow, were there a lot of hoops. The personality profile took me something like forty-five minutes to complete. Ok, now we're getting somewhere. If that's that thorough my inbox should be overflowing with prime candidates for me to blind with the blistering glare of adequacy. Actually, I probably shouldn't use the word blister in the same story about any sort of dating. Blister, rash and sore....those words are off the table. So I get the results of the profile back and I was surprised, I thought it was probably upwards of 85% accurate. Not bad Dr. Neil Clark....not bad. What else you got? So I proceed to finish filling out my profile and go over it with a fine tooth comb. Then I cough up the membership fee and boom, my profile is live. Let the flood of eligible women start filling up my inbox! I should mention this was the high water mark of the experience. Man...you know, you have certain expectations based on what you see on the site and on tv and I got nothing like that. Folks, I'm not gonna lie to you, you remember the people you'd see on tv pushing these sites? Think back. Got the image. Ok, none of the people I got paired up with looked like that. There was this really cute blond girl on the welcome page, even stated she was a member. Nice! And for the entire time I was on there, she was still a member. Really? Hot blonde is having such a hard time getting anyone to ask her out so she's got to come here? You know, if you want to sell the illusion of 'this site works' maybe you should change up the hot girl image on the log in page. Because I go back to the same line of thinking I had with my friend, if this girl is having a hard time getting a date then I'm fucked.

So I waited to see what would turn up and boy was I not disappointed. My inbox was filling up with a lot of potential matches. Then I looked at them and boy was I disappointed. Just sifting through all of them I had the flashback to the earlier set ups, "Really? This is what you're matching me up with?" But I'd paid for it so let's make the most of it. For those not familiar, let me give a brief rundown of how Dr. Neil's site works. They send you matches based on compatibility of your personality profile. Then in your personal profile, you can elect to have some things visible, pictures mostly, at certain stages of communication. There were like multiple choice questions, the lists of 'must haves/can't stands' and then some essay questions to answer and then on to open communication. And you can elect to have your photos available at any point in the communication process. I decided to have mine show up from the very start, I mean you are either going to like what I'm selling or you're not. Boy, if only more people had taken that same approach. When you don't put it out there to start with it makes me think you're trying to hide something. And then when you did get to see a picture, another warning sign should have been when they're trying to desperately crop the picture right at the chin something is amiss. Either that or the pictures of them at the grand canyon...from a distance. Hey, that's great you had a vacation and all but I've seen the grand canyon, I'm more interested in seeing you so I know who I'll be spending an evening with playing 'Why won't you make eye contact'. Oh, and another thing, in your picture maybe hold up a newspaper, or an iPhone or something so I know it's a current picture. Really? Should you even have to say that? I could care less about the picture of you from your cousin's wedding eight years ago. Again, I know I'm no treat but at least the pictures of me were representative of what you'd be signing up for. Not decade old pictures or one's you'd need to get a loupe to see me in. I know obsessing over the pictures seems a bit shallow, and you'd be right, but come on, if you don't have the confidence to post an at least one decent picture what do you expect me to think. I'm impatient, have I mentioned that,(see previous posts) so I'm one for wanting to see who I'm 'talking' with right off the bat.

So let me give you some of the highlights of my matches. There was the mute, gray tooth, neck tattoo, no eye contact, short answer and the Australian. Maybe I'll go into some more depth on those in a later post but hopefully you can pick up from just the descriptions of how well that all had worked out for me. Actually, there were a couple that almost broke on through to the other side, apologies to Jim Morrison. Wait, what do I care, he's dead. There was one that I thought was actually maybe gonna work out, then it didn't. And really, for no reason I can come up with. Really, and I'm not just saying that being blind to my flaws. I really have no idea what happened there. That's why I love the idea of a dating exit interview. "What did you like about the candidate, what didn't you like about the candidate?" And so on and so on. So what would I like to leave you with after all this incessant rambling? Well, I guess the "38 year old shortstop theory" would sum it up best. When a short stop breaks into the league at 23 or 24, he's diving all over the place trying to make plays. Fast forward to that same short stop at 38. He'll make the play if the ball is hit to him. So that's where I'm at, the 38 year old short stop of dating. I'm done diving all over the field but if one's hit right to me I'll make the play.