Have I Mentioned I Hate Flying?

So I am starting to plan for another of my annual trips to Seattle. The company I work for is based out of there and at least once a year they have everyone from all the offices out for a party. Well, I go for the party. Everyone else has to work at the sales meetings. One of the times where being in the creative department works in my favor, I get to go and play and they all have to work that week. But I hate going there. Let me rephrase that, I hate getting there. Let me set the table as to why. I had never flown on a large, commercial aircraft before in my life. Ever. Had a slight irrational fear of flying in the John Madden scope of not flying. If I couldn't drive to get somewhere, I obviously didn't need to go to that place. So my travels had been somewhat limited. But no airlines involved so I call that a win. Well, my first year with my company I had started at just the right time to be going to the holiday party a mere six weeks later. Now, seeing as how I had never flown before, I have no base of comparison for when flying may have been even slightly enjoyable before 2001. I'm sure it may have been sometime back when everything was in black and white, no one had been in outer space and nobody had heard of the Beatles yet, but it isn't now. Actually, there is not one single thing about airline travel that is enjoyable other than getting off the plane. So back to the initial trip. I had to weigh the irrational fear of flying against a pretty much free trip to a city I've never been to before...so I chose to get on the plane. My HR department got my trip booked and everything looked fine. The friend I work with in the creative department was going without his wife so they booked us together. So at least I had someone I knew going along the way in case I freaked out. Now, I had always heard 'be two hours early, be two hours early' so, we got there two hours early. The flight was like 9:15am so we're there a little after 7:00am...and are through security by 7:25am at the latest so the time warning seemed a little...excessive. Apparently by that time they'd gotten the bugs worked out and shaved an hour fifty off that estimate. But, you know what's open at 7:25am? The airport bar. So I had a couple tall beers. Not enough to alter my consciousness but enough to at least make me think I was relaxed. I don't check luggage, I don't want the monkeys with the airlines to lose it and have it show up in Phoenix when I'm supposed to be in Seattle, but got on the plane in plenty of time to make sure I had the overhead room. And then got strapped in and was waiting to take off. Seriously, how long does it take for a grown ass person to find their damn seat? They're numbered so unless your name is Jethro and you have a 4th grade education, you should be able to count up to 21 to see where your row is. Finally everyone got on, door shut and we're moving...and I'm white knuckling on the armrest of my seat. We were taxiing around and I thought, "Well this isn't so bad.". Then they got lined up and punched it and I was sucked back into my seat. To say it was one of the oddest feeling I had ever experienced to that point would be a good way to say it. Then after the climb and leveling out, it wasn't too bad. And neither were any other of the legs of that trip, which is a good thing because I can't guarantee that I would have gone back. How would that work out, the fear of flying taking down a free trip cross country.

Now I'm not as bad with the fear of flying, other than the regular "boy I hope the pilot is having a good day" concerns. I look at flying as more of a hassle than anything anxiety causing. Really, like I said before, to me there is not one enjoyable thing about flying other than getting off the plane. Or I guess being several hundred miles away in like three hours, I guess that's good too. So by this time in my life I have flown quite a bit. I'm not in a frequent flyer club but I pretty much know how to navigate an airport and was accustomed to the now standard TSA nonsense and ineptitude. Out of curiosity one time, I looked online for the minimum requirements to be a TSA employee, one of which was "High School diploma or G.E.D.".....GED? Really? Not to knock anyone for trying to get an education but if high school English was kicking their ass maybe their not the people we need front lining it to catch people like that lunatic a couple weeks ago that tried to light his groin on fire in an airplane. I'm not a security expert, but if someone who has gotten on a plane from somewhere, oh, let's say Yemen, and buys with cash a one way ticket with no luggage to check is perhaps one of the people we are looking for and not the family of four from Nebraska who is off to the side with the kids crying because they can't figure out which line to get in and they're all tired from already having been there two and a half hours. People may say that's racial profiling, or maybe it could be proactive screening? Ever think about it that way? We know who the people are, go get them. Because nineteen lunatics got through the Keystone Cops intelligence prior to 9/11and created what they created, now 200 million Americans (I know there are 300 million in the country but let's assume not all of them fly. Like I said, flying is the enjoyment equivalent of dental surgery) will fly from time to time, so two thirds of the country, we are now criminals. Or at least assumed criminals till we're patted down by captain success with his GED. Is it so hard to figure out who poses a threat? Because of the Keystone Cops intelligence, which how did they miss that guy, the fire groin guy, we're all guilty? This is insane. Now, I know they do probably get a lot of things right and have stopped a number of attacks that we never hear about, so they don't screw up everything but yet we still stand in these lines that don't seem to work. But it's not all on them. The airlines are horrifying too. They stunk before 2001, anyone remember them getting bailed out numerous times before it was en vogue to be a business bailed out by the government? But now they just hide behind the phrase 'September Eleventh' to justify anything they want to do. Which includes adding to the security hassle. There is no reason that a family of four should not know what line they need to be in or that they should have to spend three hours in an airport because of it. So why have I gone on such a rant? Well, this jagoff had to go and pull his stunt less than a month before I was going to be traveling. And it's all about how it's gonna effect me. Before I had an idea of timing and all to get where I'm going but now I don't know how long things are gonna take, checking vs. not checking bags. What all now they've deemed you can't take on a plane now. It's just horrifying to think how slow it was before and what it's going to be like this time. And back to an earlier point, if you're at the ticket counter you'll hassle me to charge for an extra bag or an upgrade but how is it that a light didn't go on in someone's head when a guy, let's call him the lunatic that lit his groin on fire, asked to buy with cash a ticket with no return and had no luggage to check? Really? Didn't bat an eye? That seemed normal and not like someone the authorities would want to talk to and not Bob the insurance salesman from Nebraska that's getting patted down over to the side while this guy strolls on through. Or were you to busy thinking about all the bags you had to check with that family of four that just went through that none of those things set of an alarm in your head. Bravo sir or madame, bravo. So, like I said, because of all that now I'm more than likely going to have to check a bag and hope they can get it to the same city as the plane because of that one guy and an entire systems lack of effectiveness. Like I said, it's all about how it's going to effect me. And this doesn't even take into account that airlines are a racket anyhow. But that's an entirely different thing. One blog at a time.