Ho, Ho, Ho!

So I managed to get my Christmas lights up outside of the house. And I didn't kill myself doing it. Funny story with all that, and I may not be using the word funny right. The weekend before the lighting I got all the lights out of the attic and tested them. I knew already some were out on my outside tree. I was bitching last year about lights burning out on the tree and not being able to find any replacement ones because every place was out of lights on December 12th. Which that makes sense, middle of the Christmas season but lets not stock any more lights. That's awesome. So I had to get two new strings for the outside tree this year but I knew I was going to have to get some so that was no biggie. But the weird thing about those, only half the stand was out. Not a few bulbs, half the strand. It stopped halfway down the sting. How the hell does that happen? So almost exactly half the strand was on and the other half out. Never seen only half a strand not work. However all the icicle lights for the house worked. I picked up some replacement tree lights during the week and was ready to go for the weekend.

I started fairly early on a Saturday (early for me anyway) because I had other errands to run and wanted to get everything done in time for the ND game at Yankee stadium that night. Second to the last game of the season so I wanted to make sure I could see it and it was at Yankee stadium. Good weekend for football at baseball stadiums. Northwestern played Illinois at Wrigley field and that was jacked up because apparently they couldn't do the math right at one of the brightest schools in the country. Northwestern didn't figure out they couldn't' fit a whole football field in Wrigley field and not have players kill themselves in one of the endzones. So it was like a backyard game of football, they all had to go toward one end when they had the ball. I would have been pissed if I bought tickets in that other endzone but it made for good tv. Ok, so back to the lights. It took me a while to remember how I had everything rigged last year. I only have two outlets in my garage so there's a lot of extension cords and splitting going on. After about a half hour of detangling and laying out strands and extension cords I got it figured out and remembered how I'd done it the prior year. It's not Rockefeller Center but I have a certain way I want things up on the house. Got the icicle lights on the garage peak up pretty quickly. If you're doing higher up lights and don't want to get too high up on a ladder, or on the roof, I recommend a light pole. It's a telescoping pole with interchangeable ends. One is for placing string lights and then take that off and you can screw in the light holders for roof lines. Pop the holder under the shingle then just twist the pole off the holder. Takes about three of them to get the feel for it but it's great. I borrowed a friends last year and she told me to keep it because she wasn't putting house lights up anymore, just on the shrubs and tree. Score! That probably saved me from having a Clark W. Griswold moment with my lights and falling off the ladder.

So I got the garage half of the front of the house done and was wiring up for the house half. Plugged in the icicle lights for there and son of a bitch, both strings were bad! Only half of them were coming on on each strand. WTF? They both just worked a week ago. Yeah, that sounds about right. You suck!! So I knew at that point I wasn't going to be able to finish when I wanted to. I'd have to get replacement ones for that too when I was out running errands and because I knew that where I had to go (Toys R Us and my local mall) I wouldn't be home with enough light to finish up by the time I got home. Now you know how I am with that kind of stuff (please see previous posts on my impatient nature) and that just made the cursing at inanimate objects start flying out of my mouth and a pretty good rate. You know, because that was the sensible thing to do. And I was right about Toys R Us, that was a special kind of hell on a Saturday. I was earning the 'favorite uncle' title then. Man, I hate that place. I mean I really fucking hate that place. No one pays attention to anyone else, the aisles are too small (one confused parent or grandparent blocks like four or five directions easily) and hardly any checkouts open. Then there's the obligatory screaming kid that the parents think is cute. Guess what Mom and Dad? They're not. Deal with your kid, that's not helping the headache this shitty store brought on. If the theory from "What Dreams May Come" is right and everybody's hell is different, I know mine would involve a Toys R Us in some form or fashion.

The upside to all this is that I did get all the errands finished up in time for the kickoff of the ND game. And really, compared to Toys R Us, the mall was bearable and I had to go to Walmart too and by comparison that seemed practically empty. And got all the light stringing wrapped up on the house and tree before the Colts game that Sunday. Except for one timer not working. Looks like it should be working but it won't turn on. Couldn't find the instructions (even though I was pretty sure I was doing it right) so I ran to Walmart to see if they still had the same one. Which they did, so I unpackaged it and read the instructions there and yes, I was programming it right. So much for the digital timer still working. But I finally figured out that when you have the time set and plug in whatever, even if it's in the 'On' window, it won't come on. Has to be plugged in before the 'On' time. That's really kind of stupid. Thanks Brinks, high tech timer that works funny. Every other timer in the world comes on when you plug something in and it's in the ON position. So I had all the lights up and was going to put the bulbs on the outside tree that week. Didn't have time before the game but would be able to after work.

I got home from work on Monday and was going to have the time to hang al the bulbs on the tree. I have several kinds and sizes that I've picked up over the years. So I went outside with a ladder, the garage door opener and my phone. I closed the door and was hanging things on the tree. When I closed the door it sounded like something big fell off a shelf. I don't have a lot of shelving an nothing big and I wasn't sure what fell but I was going to have a look when I went back inside. Little did I know, I wasn't getting back inside. What that sound was was a spring on the garage door breaking. If you've ever had one go out that effectively means your door isn't going up. And garage doors are heavy. So I locked myself out of the house inadvertently. I didn't have any keys on me, just the garage door opener. For the broken door. When I tried to open the door it went up about six inches and then back down. SLAM! And it was drizzling and cold...score! There's that initial 'oh shit' feeling when you realize you're locked out and don't have keys on you. I was patting myself down like a overzealous TSA agent trying to make sure I wasn't just missing the keys in some pocket or something. Then I was looking for anything to help pry the door up enough to get it on the track to raise up the rest of the way. Once you get the door up about two feet, the top part is on the track and it gets significantly easier to push. But I couldn't get it lifted by myself. Well you think the cursing was bad on the lights, it was nothing compared to this. If you've locked yourself out of the house, don't have your keys on you, can't get the garage door raised up, it's drizzling and cold out and the first word out of your mouth isn't fuck...you have anger issues. Fortunately I had my phone on me to call someone. Called a friend of mine and we got the door up in like a minute. That started to ease the aneurysm that was surely coming on. What's the takeaway for all this? I guess it would be to have your keys on you at all times regardless of what you think you may need them for. Or at the very least have a second key hidden somewhere outside for just such an emergency. Lesson learned. However, all the outside and inside lights and decorations are up and I am ready for the season. So bring on Christmas!