So I was out doing some shopping this weekend. You know, it's amazing how many of these start with me being out shopping and how other people are irritating. That either means I'm a psychopath or that other people really are stupid. I'm going to go with the second option because that makes me happy. Let me explain. I have all my Christmas shopping done. And it's December 13th. That has never happened. Let me repeat that...that has never happened. Can I give a big thank you to the internet. Aside from exposing the world to Youtube, email and German pornography, you have made holiday shopping so much better. Because of you internet, I can browse the aisles at Amazon.com and not have to worry about bumping into a single self absorbed, clueless, meandering, cell phone yammering holiday shopper. Thank you Amazon.com. You make the world a better place to be.
I had some shopping to do that did not involve buying presents. Just standard grocery shopping and picking up some necessities. Like wine, cheese and bread. We're due a good snow storm so you prepare your way and I'll prepare mine. As the story goes, everyone is always out buying milk, eggs and bread. So the hack joke goes "I guess people don't want to be stranded without being able to make French toast.". Which isn't 100% true. If that was truly the case there'd also be a run on eggs, cinnamon, buttermilk and challah bread. You make French toast your way and I'll make it mine. Not any old ingredients will do. And if you're really getting into it, you'd need a box of Frosted Flakes for a coating. But that's a different blog and I'm here to complain about other people and lack of attentiveness when shopping, not about how to make some damn good French toast.
So I just had groceries to buy. And you would think that wouldn't be too bad. And it wasn't at the first stop I made. They'd recently rearranged some things at the store I like so it's thrown me the last few times I'd gone there trying to remember what was where but it's not too bad and I got out of there without much of any incident. There were a couple of people who were riding right up behind me in the freezer section. Man is that annoying anywhere, not just in frozen foods. And I try not to do it. But when I'm looking for something and someone is riding right up behind me, like invading my eighteen inches of personal space riding up, then I get a little pissed. And I'm going to take my sweet ass time looking for something I know isn't here now because you are being a jackhole and pressing your damn cart up in my personal space trying to get me to move. Sorry about your luck. Wait your turn, ass. You know, there is kind of a social contract we all enter into when we're out in public. Like we won't do certain things to one another. You know, like you won't ride up behind the person in front of you because you think you're entitled to look in that section of the freezer case and I won't tip over your fucking cart because your wheels keep hitting the back of my feet. So I got checked out there and on to store number two.
Now when I say I was just grocery shopping you would think that I'm just at a grocery store and how bad could that be. And you'd be wrong. I do go to a Walmart to grocery shop. You can stop with your eye rolling and any other thing like that. I don't care where the stuff comes from and I don't care about the CNBC specials about it. I'm no tree hugging, granola eating, 'everyone is equal' kind of person. I want my stuff as inexpensive as I can get it and if that's from a Walmart I could care less what anyone thinks about it. Same brands, cheaper price, thank you Sam Walton. The downside of this is you are dealing with the "People of Walmart". If you've never seen the emails you are really doing yourself a disservice. They are some of the best emails I get on a routine basis. I just hope I never pop up in any of them.
So back to my shopping. I just had a few things to get for Christmas dinner. Actually, Christmas Eve dinner. My family has always celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve. Goes back a few generations to coming home from midnight mass and opening presents. I remember me and my brother and mom going to Christmas Eve candlelight services at our church and then going back home and it was amazing how Santa had always hit our house when we were out and none of our grandparents had seen him there. One of my favorite pictures was of one of my grandparents catching part of Santa as he was leaving the front door (we didn't have a fireplace or chimney) and the proof he'd been there. We still have the Polaroid of him going out the front door. Those are the memories that make Christmas the best time of year. But I didn't feel that warm and fuzzy out shopping today.
I had a list of things to get for my Christmas Eve dinner and I really just wanted to get them and go home. It was cold and rainy and I didn't really feel much like being out. So I was on a mission. And it was amazing how many people were just blocking the way. Now, when you're shopping, regardless of where you are, you should assume the normal rules of the road apply. Like you stay on the right side. Good God, how many people just forget any sort of driving etiquette and just park their damn carts where ever they want and just push them like they lost their damn minds. Seriously. I'm navigating the aisle like a normal person and you have these people who are just wandering from side to side, unaware of their surroundings (sometimes due to being wrapped up in a cell phone call) and you have to look out for them. I'm not saying what I'm doing is any more important than what the other mindless human cattle is out doing, but at least I'm trying to be aware of my surroundings and trying not to impede other peoples progress. Holy fuck, I wish other people had even the slightest interest in that.
Have you ever had a 'shopping nemesis'? I did when I was there. Seemed like her only purpose was to get in my way and make everything harder. First let me say, I cannot stand people who use their carts wrong. And by that I mean they pull them behind them instead of pushing them as they were intended to do. That's why there is a handle on them, dumbass. You push them from there and not pull them from the front. The fact you have to keep apologizing to people should tell you you're doing it wrong, idiot. And this person kept popping up in the same aisles as me. I tried to shake her but it just wouldn't work. Kind of like in the horror movies when the teenagers at the campsite are running away but just can't seem to get away from the psychotic killer who is limping along behind them. That's kind of what it was like.
So what's my takeaway from this when I get the overpowering urge to tell some people that they're shopping wrong?
1) Stay on the right side of the aisle, this isn't England so the standard rules of traffic still apply.
2) If you're pulling your cart behind you, just know you're doing it wrong.
3) When you leave your cart blocking the aisle and I have to move it to get through, don't look at me as if I'm the jerk.
4) Put the cell phone away, whatever you're talking about is not that important. Trust me.
Yeah, I think that about sums it up. Happy shopping.
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