Isn't It Time You Settled?

So I hadn't written anything for a long time, I had kind of been busy but not really busy on anything that was worthy to write about. Not like the other stuff I had was either but here we are. So what is it that I felt was worthy of picking up the digital pen again? I've decided to jump back into the dating pool. That sound you may have just heard was the collective sigh of relieved women now having another bald, fat option to look past. But I'm aware on the other side of that same coin, any fruit I get at this point is going to be on the bruised side of fresh. So it evens out. And I know I'm very bad at being single, which is bad considering that I am still single. I can't really take advantage of being single because I didn't assume at 38 I would still be single. I'm not prepared, meaning I haven't really maintained any of what I've got at presentation conditions. It's function only. So I think I'm starting a little behind the curve on this particular foray back into things. I've never let being unprepared stop me before so why start now. I decided to hop back in with eHarmony, see some prior posts on my experiences there. Why go back to that service then you may be asking? Well a lot of it has to do with being lazy. Maybe that's the wrong word. I already had a profile filled out there and it was going to take a lot less time to update an existing profile than it was to going to be to create a totally new one. Oh, and it was cheap. I'd been off their service for over two years and periodically they'd send me offers to renew. Of which I'd ignored all of them. Well, then I got the proverbial 'offer you can't refuse'. Three months for the price of one plus one extra month for free if you signed up by a certain date. Oh, I'm on board there. Well played Dr. Neil Clark..well played. You have hooked me. And I've wasted money on worse things so why not give this a go. That gives me one third of a year to look. And I'm going into it with a slightly different attitude, like it might actually work. How refreshing. That's got to help, right? A couple friends of mine are getting married and they met on here so I guess not all the commercials are damn, dirty lies. But I am looking at it a little differently. Aside for thinking it may work. Seeing how I was on it for so long the last time and nothing came of if I have a slightly different perspective. Or at least I think I do.

Let me set the table on what I mean. There's a lot of the same on there. By that, I mean that I've noticed a lot of the same things in every profile. It's like they were issued a primer and had to fill things out a certain way. Kind of like looking through real estate ads. You know, that's a really good parallel. And I've started to find some code words in profiles much like there were code words in real estate listings. Like cozy means small and handyman special means the place is a dump. I've seen some similar things in the ladies profiles. One of the first one's is in the religion category. Now anyone who knows me knows I'm not overly churchy. I'm not sure why, it just never really stuck with me. I went through all the usual things - baptized, confirmation classes and whatever else you do but I got older and like I said, it just didn't stick. I think I'm a Protestant of some extraction. At least I think there are different types, anyway, if there are I'm one of them. But that's kind of like saying if a cow is born in a tree it's a bird, I wouldn't say I'm a fanatic. But I see a lot of the profiles under the religious affiliation marking "spiritual but not religious". Huh...um, how's that work? Or I guess I mean to say what the hell is that? Let me get this straight...you're not religious but you're spiritual? Hmmm... I'm not honest but you're really interesting. Get off the fence, you either are or aren't. So that tells me a little something and at the very least it tells me I'm not going to miss kickoff on Sundays due to the sermon running over. There's another section that says "Some additional things I'd like you to know about me;" and almost to a woman they all say "just ask!". That's great but it didn't say what other questions do I have, it says other things you'd like me to know. Like other information you'd like to offer up without being asked. Which leads to another one that seems to be a go to response, 'you'll just have to find out'. Thanks. Next. Oh, and the no picture having ones. Sorry. Click. Really? Can't manage a picture? Everything is a something plus a camera. Heck, if you have a cell phone odds are you have a camera weather you want one or not. And I have pictures of me posted, and they're pretty representative of me. I'm not going to say you'll enjoy the representation but there it is. I know I'm not every woman's cup of tea...actually, I'm pretty sure I've gotten a few to hate tea. However, it's not like someone won't know who I am because they were so far off. So for me, that's like an instant skip. Could that be shallow? You bet. But I feel it's a fair shallow. I showed you mine so you show me yours. So there.

In another section there is the field, "The most important thing I'm looking for in a person is:" and what I see all the time is......? Sense of humor. DING DING DING. I like to think I'm funny. Who doesn't? I mean who doesn't think they're funny. Not who doesn't think I'm funny, but come on people. That should be a short list of who doesn't think I'm funny. I'm a riot, who wouldn't think I'm funny. So let's establish that I'm funny. At least I've been told that a lot so it's not just me. Ok, so sense of humor is big or so I keep reading. Here's the rub, it seems that as long as that sense is hooked on to, let me see, oh I know, a Zac Effron or whatever the name of that vampire guy is from the "Twilight" movies. Run right past either of those two guys to get to a Steven Wright or a Jon Stewart. Noooooo, that does not happen folks. Not that I want to take either of those to guys down but I never see them in the same kinds of circles as Zac and the vampire. What they should say is "a sense of humor on a guy that I think is hot." That would be more honest. Which brings me to my second point in that field, honesty is the second trait they all seem to say they're searching for. So an honestly funny guy. Guess honesty goes both ways, like being honest with you picture. Yes, we are back to this. I don't want to obsess but there's a lot of dishonest pictures by you women on there. And completely irrelevant pictures. I don't want to sound so hung up on the picture part but there's no depth to my shallowness. That's not fair. I guess I think if I can toss out pictures that are an honest (see, there's that word) representation of what I have going on you should too. That's great you went to the Bahamas, I don't need the pictures of the beach. Great that you went to Italy, but I don't need to see a picture of the Coliseum. I signed up for a dating service, not Zagats online. Or if you do show a picture, try to use the zoom feature. Hear tell that's pretty common on cameras these days. Do I even need to say this? I guess so. Why put a picture of yourself up there at...whatever the event is, that is so far away not only can I not tell if that's you but can't tell who you are in the crowd. What are you trying to hide? Gout? A goiter the size of a grapefruit? I don't know. So there's that. And while I'm on this tangent, here's another thing that I thought was odd in one of the profiles. And for once it's not picture related. Ok, it's kinda picture related but has nothing to do with a goiter. One of the ladies I got matched up with had some captions with the pictures posted, all the better. One had her and her son in it. No problem there. I've kind of come to the conclusion that the odds get greater every day that if I am in fact going to date someone, at this stage they're going to have a kid. Or kids. And I have no problem with that. I like kids and would like to have some some day. Preferably before I retire. Anyway, this lady had a caption that was something like, "a picture of me and my nine year old son who's my best friend." What the what? I like to think she just chose some words poorly. Your best friend? Really? A nine year old? Maybe say 'me and my buddy', or 'me and the little man' but 'me and my nine year old son who'd my best friend'. Ok. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment behind something like that but if you, at 37, consider your best friend to be a nine year old, son or not....um....next please.

So there's where I'm at, however, enough of me whining and complaining about things I can't control. I'll keep on going till I either find someone who'll put up with me or the subscription runs out, whichever comes first. As developments warrant, I'll keep you all posted with those stories...I'm sure you can't wait.

Malaysia...when did I go to Malaysia?

So I had to cash a check recently and it reminded me of a nonexistent trip to Malaysia. I had gotten some Disney on Ice tickets for my brother and his family and he paid me back with a check. Which is fine I guess, but I sometimes look at getting a check as, "hey, thanks for the errand.". I shouldn't complain about however anyone wants to pay me back but man, getting a check can be a hassle. At least for me. Banks close early and the little 'bank-marts' in certain grocery stores are open later, but they're not as convenient to get to. Or at least the one I would be going to isn't really on my way home. Well, I guess it is if you count that round about way home as on the way, then yes it is. So I get to the bank to cash the check and they ask me my security question. Really? It's a $44 check, but that's your policy so have at it. Now keep that in mind. So why did I tell you that bit of personal finance history? To be able to tell you this part of it. Let's take a trip back to 2007. My family was coming into town to go to the State Fair (see prior post about the State Fair fun) and I was running out really quick before they got to my house to grab some cash from an ATM. Got to the ATM, got my cash and did my customary glance at the receipt to see if everything looked ok and I was a little shocked. Now, I'm not going to retire tomorrow or anything but no one needs to hold a benefit in my honor either. I'm not breaking the bank but at any time I have a general idea of how much money I have in my account. And this receipt was trying to tell me that at that moment I was down about $1800. What the fu....well, there has to be some kind of accounting error going on because that is no where close to where it should be. So I rush home and give them a call on their way and say I may not be quite ready when they get here. I hop online to check my account and see what may have happened and I'm seeing charges to a Malaysian airline, some Turkish airline and some other toy countries too. WHAT THE FU...funny, I don't remember going to Malaysia. Or ever having a desire to go there. So I get on the 800 number line to my bank to see what the hell exactly is going on. It was a Saturday and I had them cancel, freeze or whatever they had to do to lock down the account so no more fraudulent charges could go through. They said to go to a branch to fill out paperwork to get an investigation going and to be able to get my money back. Keep in mind, this was my checking account, so that was actual money gone. Not like if it had been on a credit card and it was money in theory gone. Needless to say, I was a bit preoccupied at the fair. I still had a good time but was going over in the back of my mind, what the hell am I going to do. So I got back home from the fair and made my way to one of the afore mentioned bank-marts. Those are the only locations that are open at 4:00pm on a Saturday. And I wanted to get the wheels rolling as soon as I could. I had printouts of my online statement, and they had it pulled up too, and the manager on duty there kinda chuckled as I was filling out the paperwork saying this was the most clear cut fraud case he'd seen since he'd been there and that getting my money back should be a piece of cake. So that was a bit reassuring. I filled out the paperwork, and there was a lot of it, got is signed, dated and he was going to fax it to the bank's headquarters for fraud and it should get in the system pretty quickly. So I felt pretty confident...that was till I called the main number that Monday to make sure they had gotten my paperwork and that they didn't need anything else from me at the moment. To which they said they'd gotten it but it wasn't signed. Really? Because I saw myself sign it. So did the manager there. Sigh. So I decided to take a long lunch and get this straightened out. I remembered hearing about having to go to a bank of origination for some things so I went back to the branch that I had started my account with about ten years ago. Well, I had to go home first and get all the things I had to that point. Got to the bank and was waiting in line and got to a teller. I was explaining my story to her and she was amazed. That line forms to the left. Fortunately she was the head teller for that branch and she got right on it. She had the other branch fax me the paperwork they had and I'll be damned, when it came through there was my signature plain as day. Makes me wonder how the monkeys at the main branch couldn't see it. So she faxed that back in, I had to fill out some other paperwork and then start to close out that account and start a new one. I went into an office to start a new checking account and was going through all the paperwork to do that when the teller came back in with something else to sign and gave me an update on the total, and she was amazed. She said it had gotten to almost $13,000 dollars. Her and the associate helping me with the new account both said that was the biggest number for something like this they'd ever heard of and both said considering what it was, I shouldn't have any problem getting my money back. Now keep in mind, I'm only on the hook for some of that $13,000. My bank was on the hook for all of it because my account had been overdrawn by a considerable amount so not only will they be giving me my money back but trying to get back the rest of the fraudulent funds too. So with that, I felt pretty confident that it was all going to work out and they said the whole process should take four to six weeks. Well great, I have to wait that long to get my account back in order. And I had two accounts. Since the stuff had happened to my original account, which was now locked down in about fifteen different ways, they would have to put any recovered money into that one and then transfer it to my new one. Guess they couldn't put it directly into my new one for some reason or another. So at this point, I was left with a damaged checking account, a brand new checking account and no debit card. Until you don't have access to your money via debit card, you never really realize how much you use it. Man, was that a pain in the ass. And about a week later I had my new card but boy was that an inconvenient week. Then I had to go back to work and send in my new info to the payroll department for the direct deposit and all that. And here's a fun note on that, it would take one pay cycle to go into effect so the next check would be mailed to me and I'd have to go to the bank to deposit it. JOY! Remember my initial thought about going there with a check, thanks for the errand. So everything had been working itself out, I'd been getting letters from my bank with charge backs and all, which were then transferred to my new account and after about five weeks I had every last penny back and all was right with the world. So that was mid September.

Now let's skip ahead to the second week of October. I got a letter from my bank saying upon inspection they were going to be reversing one of the charges because they had deemed it a 'valid transaction' and had laid out the steps for me to dispute that. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Hell yeah I'm gonna dispute it. The first step was to have something in writing. Now, as you people may have noticed, I don't have a problem writing and going on and on. And man did they get an earful in letter form, I think I stopped short of calling them assholes. Which I think I would have been justified in calling them but that probably wouldn't have helped anything. However, I did lay out to them in no uncertain terms why this was bullshit and was not going to happen. First among them goes back to what I told you earlier about getting asked my security question when trying to cash a $44 check. For forty-four dollars they ask me that question, yet for multiple transactions that were hundreds and thousands of dollars per transaction ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET, not a single red flag was raised in the system? Really? Nothing at all seemed odd about that? Not one bit? Now I know why all of them needed bailed out if that's all the better accounting they had in place. Maybe, and it's just a wild thought, have something in place to keep tabs on that. When I moved into my house the first thing I bought was a bigscreen tv. With a credit card. The very next day I had an automated fraud alert call to verify that I was the one buying it. Wow, so it can be done. And if they'd bother to look at my banking history from the last decade, 90% of any and all transactions were in the central and northeast part of my state. And at that time, the exceptions to that were Seattle, Las Vegas, Boston, New Hampshire and points along the way. That's it. That's the list. And I laid that out to them very plainly with probably no small amount of cynicism and sarcasm. So I was curious how they thought several fifteen hundred dollar airline ticket purchases ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET were valid. Well, I guess that could be a semantic argument on their part to back out of it. As soon as a card is scanned and accepted, that is a valid transaction. Regardless of how fraudulent it may be. So needless to say I was hot that evening but nothing I could do till the next morning. So that next morning I called back to that branch and asked for the teller I'd been working with only to find out she was out sick. Oh great, now to have to try and rehash the last two months of nonsense to a brand new person. I started to explain my story and apparently that teller had heard of it and put me in with the manager, who I guess was as familiar with it as the teller. When I came in that lunch hour with my new paperwork and all she was a little amazed that they were trying it. Actually, her exact words were, "I've never seen them try to reverse an amount this big before.". Well that's good to know I'm a trailblazer. Now the first go around I think there were six or seven different transactions, so I had to fill out six or seven different sets of paperwork for each one. So I asked her if I should expect this for all of them and if I'd have to fill out this new paperwork for the rest that would be coming through. She said that hopefully this would catch them before any others were sent out and she could get those from going through as well as getting this one re-reversed. So I felt reassured, not totally confident, but at least reassured. So about a week later I got a letter from the headquarters saying the money was being put back into my account. Not a mention anywhere of 'sorry we were dipshits about that' or anything like that. Just that it was back in the account. Well at least I had all the cash back. When all the dust had settled I tried to figure out where my number may have gotten out so that Mubupoo could have snagged it and started racking up frequent flyer miles to all those shit destinations on my dime. The only thing that was an out of the way purchase (by that I mean not a usual gas station, grocery store or restaurant) was an online purchase of concert tickets a few weeks before this whole fiasco started. So boys and girls, what do we take away from all of this? Other than banks are machines and not looking out for your best interests unless you point it out to them? Well first, even though credit card companies are evil at least they have the common sense to ask about the validity of major purchases. That's be nice if the bank would take note of that. And secondly, if you are doing an online purchase, use a credit card and not a debit card. If something like that happens it's not your money that you're out, it's just 'credit money' which is kinda like Monopoly money at that point. And something like that would be easy for the card company to wipe from your account and then it's on them to go all collections pitbull and find the jagoffs doing that that actually owe them. Which I guess makes them slightly less evil, but still evil. At least they'll give you your money back and then not try to take it back again a couple weeks down the road.

Have I Mentioned I Hate Flying?

So I am starting to plan for another of my annual trips to Seattle. The company I work for is based out of there and at least once a year they have everyone from all the offices out for a party. Well, I go for the party. Everyone else has to work at the sales meetings. One of the times where being in the creative department works in my favor, I get to go and play and they all have to work that week. But I hate going there. Let me rephrase that, I hate getting there. Let me set the table as to why. I had never flown on a large, commercial aircraft before in my life. Ever. Had a slight irrational fear of flying in the John Madden scope of not flying. If I couldn't drive to get somewhere, I obviously didn't need to go to that place. So my travels had been somewhat limited. But no airlines involved so I call that a win. Well, my first year with my company I had started at just the right time to be going to the holiday party a mere six weeks later. Now, seeing as how I had never flown before, I have no base of comparison for when flying may have been even slightly enjoyable before 2001. I'm sure it may have been sometime back when everything was in black and white, no one had been in outer space and nobody had heard of the Beatles yet, but it isn't now. Actually, there is not one single thing about airline travel that is enjoyable other than getting off the plane. So back to the initial trip. I had to weigh the irrational fear of flying against a pretty much free trip to a city I've never been to before...so I chose to get on the plane. My HR department got my trip booked and everything looked fine. The friend I work with in the creative department was going without his wife so they booked us together. So at least I had someone I knew going along the way in case I freaked out. Now, I had always heard 'be two hours early, be two hours early' so, we got there two hours early. The flight was like 9:15am so we're there a little after 7:00am...and are through security by 7:25am at the latest so the time warning seemed a little...excessive. Apparently by that time they'd gotten the bugs worked out and shaved an hour fifty off that estimate. But, you know what's open at 7:25am? The airport bar. So I had a couple tall beers. Not enough to alter my consciousness but enough to at least make me think I was relaxed. I don't check luggage, I don't want the monkeys with the airlines to lose it and have it show up in Phoenix when I'm supposed to be in Seattle, but got on the plane in plenty of time to make sure I had the overhead room. And then got strapped in and was waiting to take off. Seriously, how long does it take for a grown ass person to find their damn seat? They're numbered so unless your name is Jethro and you have a 4th grade education, you should be able to count up to 21 to see where your row is. Finally everyone got on, door shut and we're moving...and I'm white knuckling on the armrest of my seat. We were taxiing around and I thought, "Well this isn't so bad.". Then they got lined up and punched it and I was sucked back into my seat. To say it was one of the oddest feeling I had ever experienced to that point would be a good way to say it. Then after the climb and leveling out, it wasn't too bad. And neither were any other of the legs of that trip, which is a good thing because I can't guarantee that I would have gone back. How would that work out, the fear of flying taking down a free trip cross country.

Now I'm not as bad with the fear of flying, other than the regular "boy I hope the pilot is having a good day" concerns. I look at flying as more of a hassle than anything anxiety causing. Really, like I said before, to me there is not one enjoyable thing about flying other than getting off the plane. Or I guess being several hundred miles away in like three hours, I guess that's good too. So by this time in my life I have flown quite a bit. I'm not in a frequent flyer club but I pretty much know how to navigate an airport and was accustomed to the now standard TSA nonsense and ineptitude. Out of curiosity one time, I looked online for the minimum requirements to be a TSA employee, one of which was "High School diploma or G.E.D.".....GED? Really? Not to knock anyone for trying to get an education but if high school English was kicking their ass maybe their not the people we need front lining it to catch people like that lunatic a couple weeks ago that tried to light his groin on fire in an airplane. I'm not a security expert, but if someone who has gotten on a plane from somewhere, oh, let's say Yemen, and buys with cash a one way ticket with no luggage to check is perhaps one of the people we are looking for and not the family of four from Nebraska who is off to the side with the kids crying because they can't figure out which line to get in and they're all tired from already having been there two and a half hours. People may say that's racial profiling, or maybe it could be proactive screening? Ever think about it that way? We know who the people are, go get them. Because nineteen lunatics got through the Keystone Cops intelligence prior to 9/11and created what they created, now 200 million Americans (I know there are 300 million in the country but let's assume not all of them fly. Like I said, flying is the enjoyment equivalent of dental surgery) will fly from time to time, so two thirds of the country, we are now criminals. Or at least assumed criminals till we're patted down by captain success with his GED. Is it so hard to figure out who poses a threat? Because of the Keystone Cops intelligence, which how did they miss that guy, the fire groin guy, we're all guilty? This is insane. Now, I know they do probably get a lot of things right and have stopped a number of attacks that we never hear about, so they don't screw up everything but yet we still stand in these lines that don't seem to work. But it's not all on them. The airlines are horrifying too. They stunk before 2001, anyone remember them getting bailed out numerous times before it was en vogue to be a business bailed out by the government? But now they just hide behind the phrase 'September Eleventh' to justify anything they want to do. Which includes adding to the security hassle. There is no reason that a family of four should not know what line they need to be in or that they should have to spend three hours in an airport because of it. So why have I gone on such a rant? Well, this jagoff had to go and pull his stunt less than a month before I was going to be traveling. And it's all about how it's gonna effect me. Before I had an idea of timing and all to get where I'm going but now I don't know how long things are gonna take, checking vs. not checking bags. What all now they've deemed you can't take on a plane now. It's just horrifying to think how slow it was before and what it's going to be like this time. And back to an earlier point, if you're at the ticket counter you'll hassle me to charge for an extra bag or an upgrade but how is it that a light didn't go on in someone's head when a guy, let's call him the lunatic that lit his groin on fire, asked to buy with cash a ticket with no return and had no luggage to check? Really? Didn't bat an eye? That seemed normal and not like someone the authorities would want to talk to and not Bob the insurance salesman from Nebraska that's getting patted down over to the side while this guy strolls on through. Or were you to busy thinking about all the bags you had to check with that family of four that just went through that none of those things set of an alarm in your head. Bravo sir or madame, bravo. So, like I said, because of all that now I'm more than likely going to have to check a bag and hope they can get it to the same city as the plane because of that one guy and an entire systems lack of effectiveness. Like I said, it's all about how it's going to effect me. And this doesn't even take into account that airlines are a racket anyhow. But that's an entirely different thing. One blog at a time.

To Date or Not To Date....

So I was thinking about trying to get back into the dating pool. Well, let me backup a little bit for when I say get back into. I haven't been out on a date in, oh, approaching over two years now. Electively. Mostly. Some people choose to be single, some people have singleness thrust upon them. I seem to keep falling into the latter category. I can't totally blame that on the women. I'll have to use my Elizabeth Taylor theory of divorces, after the fifth divorce maybe you are the problem. After running through so many dates, maybe I am the problem. First off, I am a horrible dater. See a prior post about that. And that's not being fair to people who are actually horrible daters. And I try, but I guess I just don't have the ability. Apparently you may as well ask me to be a foot taller, it's not happening. No, seriously. I must suck at it. Some people are bad at math, some can't drive a stick, some have problems learning French, I can't date. Have you seen "Tommy Boy"? The scene where he's describing how he kills his sales is illustrating that point with a dinner roll? That must me me, except instead of him killing his sale I screw up my date. Exhibit A...I am 37 years into my life, still single and could point you to the string of failed and bad dates that I've left in my wake. So my thinking of getting back into the dating pool I'm sure must be fantastic news to all single women at large. "Gee, glad you're back because we didn't already have enough average, bald, fat guys to go out with!" they must be saying. Well I'm on the fence of coming back, it's just a lot of effort any more. I might have had game at one point. Who am I kidding, not even that. It's more of the closing time trophy...trophy may be a little strong. You could probably better call it the 'settle for guy'. I mean, no women ever went out of their minds saying, "I've got to take that guy home with me tonight right now!". So I don't even know how it ever happened. Blind luck or something.

Anyway, I'm thinking about getting back into some kind of dating. When I was actually trying, which let's face it, was less than impressive, I was trying with eHarmony. Like I'd said before, I'm on my computer a lot, I work a lot so let's see what the online world holds for me. And eHarmony was a very tepid success. And I think tepid is the right word to use there, that and you don't really see it in print much. Or digital print. Whatever. Tepid because I was never "on fire", but at the same time I was never totally ice cold. But I can't say that I was overly impressed with the outcomes. So I'm thinking of where I might look next. Laziness would dictate I go back to eHarmony, aside from updating my profile, I'm already set up with their little service. And they keep sending me just stupidly discounted renewal offers. So that's always a thought. Then there's match.com. I know of a couple people who are either on there currently or have been and they seem to have had some pretty decent luck with it it. It also helps that they're both obscenely attractive. And interesting. And fun....ok, I need to stop before I make myself want to go to the garage, turn the car on and suck on the muffler. So they have a few points up on me. But they've all gotten to meet a lot of people and have gone out on quite a few dates, with some repeats. Ok, a lot of repeats. And for at least one of them, my roommate, I always say to her, "and I feel contractually obligated to say that it also doesn't hurt that you're hot." So that could also help explain why they've also got a leg up. But I've kinda signed up for match. I say kinda because when I was visiting one of those friends I just mentioned earlier this year, I was looking at her profile and how it was all set up and how it worked and while I was there I at last filled out a profile to see who all was in the program around me. Seemed to be a lot of people...and seemed to take a lot of time to sort through everyone. I know what they say, anything worth having takes time but man, that seemed like just a lot of extra paperwork. But she had a good eye for who I should go out with, and considering how well I've done to this point picking for myself, maybe I go that way and let her pick for me. So that's match. Then after that I'm not sure. I've heard of chemistry.com and singlesnet.com. Of course Yahoo! has their own singles/personals site, again, see previous post. And there's always craigslist.com. Get a date and sell a used chair, all at the same time. It's like the Walmart of sites, everything under one roof. And that's about it as far as the online stuff goes, and lets face it folks, I'm much better on paper than I am in person. Aside from some of the afore mentioned visual unpleasantness, I'm an idiot with women so that doesn't help. I mean I have a lot of female friends, and I'm good with them, but when it comes to dating I seem to turn into half a retard. So that probably doesn't help either. I mean I don't do anything horrifyingly wrong. No picking my teeth or blowing my nose on the table cloth. I'm not checking my cell phone, I'm paying attention, I'm opening doors and all that kinda stuff. Maybe I'm just a snooze.

There is always that option. I mean even on the dates where I haven't gotten 'the look', I haven't gotten a second date. And yes, we all know what 'the look' is, weather it's you giving it or you receiving it. Regardless of how long you've emailed, texted and talked and seem to have gotten along well, that first in-person meeting when you get 'the look' you know the date is as good as over. At that point I like to call it a courtesy date. How can I describe it. Like when you get that birthday or Christmas present, let's call it socks, and you have that look like, "oh goody...socks" and unless you're a big fan of socks, you don't want the gift giver to feel bad. That's the kind of look. So I guess by that analogy that would make me the pair of socks. Maybe I need to start thinking about how I could sell socks. People need socks, well, maybe not so much in Hawaii or Jamaica but you know what I mean. I'm not saying people need me but it starts to get to a point where I'm conceivably not a bad option regardless. I'd like to think that kind of thinking wouldn't come into play and that I could land someone on my charm, wit and dashing good looks alone. But lets be serious people, the threat of 'it's this or a lot worse' never hurts as an option to steer the potential ladies my way. So how do I want to wrap up this particular big bowl of sad. I'm not sure, normally when I start writing one of these I have a snappy little ending that comes to mind and then I can kinda fill in around that. But this particular topic just kinda hit me and I had no real idea of how I was going to end it. Which I guess seems to be the exact opposite of most, if not all, the women I go out with. They know exactly how they're going to end it.

"We've Found Fifteen New Matches For You"

So I keep getting a message in my inbox like every other day and it's from Yahoo Personals. "We've found fifteen new matches for you." Really? Because I haven't found fifteen matches for me. Total. In my whole life. So I'm not sure what they're thinking. Let's backtrack a bit. I'm a horrible dater. Actually, that's not fair to people who are actually horrible daters. What's more fair to say is I am an underachiever in the dating realm. I work a lot, and I always have, so dating had never really been a priority. Even back into the college days I'd spend hours working on projects and in the art building for various classes. So I kinda fucked up one golden opportunity to meet women. Well, to meet a lot of women, I met some. So why am I punching you in the face with the stories of my horrifying personal life, or lack there of? Well one of my good friends is doing some research right now about meeting people, for friends and for relationships, and when I was answering some of her questions I started thinking about it as it relates to me. My favorite phrase of choice is 'chronically single'. I like that better than 'undateable dope'. Undateable Dope, that would be a sweet bar band name, "Ladies and gentlemen....welcome to the stage Undateable Dope!" So my friend is single too, which kind of scares me. Not for any rational reason. She's the all around definition of 'a catch', I believe the phrase is total package, and if she's having a hard time meeting people and dating then I'm screwed. Ok, so back to the 'fifteen' email. I remember signing up for that a long, long time ago. Before I felt comfortable paying for an online dating service. Back then I had the impression it was a little shady, desperate and pathetic. So I went as far as to be only half shady, half desperate and half pathetic, I created an account but I didn't pay to be a full blown member. No way was I going to be one of those losers who scrounge the net looking for dates from some online service...take that Yahoo!. So I never did anything with that membership.

I figured, hell, I can get some dates on my own. And I did and apparently my radar is whacked. Either that or I don't have good selections skills. I also resorted to the ever-so-popular route of 'do you have any single female friends' to just about every women I even slightly knew. That's a fun place to be, the friend set up. Sometimes it works out...sometimes...and for other people. Man, those were fun times. And I'm pretty sure I'm not using the word fun right. God bless them, some friends did attempt 'the set up'. And after the various set ups I was left thinking to myself "Really...that's what you think of paring me with? Thanks, I'll stay single." And dating...honestly, it feels like a second job trying to meet someone. I know any relationship is going to take work, and I'm not opposed to that, but does the introduction stage have to be that much work. Holy shit, it's like an obstacle course of nonsense just to figure out the person isn't interested. That's great, I get it, I'm not everyone's cup of tea but could you have maybe figured that out from the phone conversations and not after the dinner and an hour and a half of semi awkward conversation? Sometimes I think some women are in it just for the free dinners. Yes, I'm that guy. I'm of the old school where the guys pay for the date. Thick-headed caveman but that's just how I am. I think at times I would have better luck trying to bend a spoon with only my mind. At some point I'd like to meet a woman who likes me at the same time I like her, but I'm starting to sense that's impossible. And quite possibly against nature. That has to sound a little jaded and bitter...what do I mean has to sound, that is bitter and jaded. But with life not giving me any indication to the contrary, open up for that warm embrace bitter and jaded.

So back to the online stuff. Obviously what I had been trying on my own was doing nothing. Or maybe I'm just like a human form of Ambien and I can't keep anyone's interest. So with that, I decided to try an online service. I'd seen more and more ads on tv so I figured the stigma may not be so bad. I can't remember what year it was, I want to say it was like four or five years ago give or take, and I decided what the hell, let's try one. I'm on my computer all the time anyway, I may as well make it work for me in the dating world too. And I was a little cynical of it but I figured I'd wasted money on a lot worse things, like seeing the movie "8MM" , so I'd give it a try. It wasn't a new year's resolution but it did happen right after the first of the year. I do have one distinct memory of that. I was at a Super Bowl party and I was talking to one of my good female friends. We were in the kitchen talking and she asked how the dating was going and I said with all the success I'd had on my own I decided to get professional help. She leaned in and whispered, "you mean you're getting a hooker?" No...no I'm not, but glad to know where your head's at in regards to me on that. No, I was signing up for an internet dating site. I'd done a little looking around and decided I'd try eHarmony. No one is going to knock over Brad Pitt to get to me but I figured I'm moderately good on paper, single, not married, no kids, good job and soon to have my own house. Unfortunately people don't date on paper. And regardless of that, I realized later in the process, most of that stuff means absolutely nothing regardless of what side of the dating fence you're on. You'd be surprised what you think will bother you but isn't even a thought when you meet someone you like. So back to eHarmony. I decided to go with them and jump through all of their hoops. Wow, were there a lot of hoops. The personality profile took me something like forty-five minutes to complete. Ok, now we're getting somewhere. If that's that thorough my inbox should be overflowing with prime candidates for me to blind with the blistering glare of adequacy. Actually, I probably shouldn't use the word blister in the same story about any sort of dating. Blister, rash and sore....those words are off the table. So I get the results of the profile back and I was surprised, I thought it was probably upwards of 85% accurate. Not bad Dr. Neil Clark....not bad. What else you got? So I proceed to finish filling out my profile and go over it with a fine tooth comb. Then I cough up the membership fee and boom, my profile is live. Let the flood of eligible women start filling up my inbox! I should mention this was the high water mark of the experience. Man...you know, you have certain expectations based on what you see on the site and on tv and I got nothing like that. Folks, I'm not gonna lie to you, you remember the people you'd see on tv pushing these sites? Think back. Got the image. Ok, none of the people I got paired up with looked like that. There was this really cute blond girl on the welcome page, even stated she was a member. Nice! And for the entire time I was on there, she was still a member. Really? Hot blonde is having such a hard time getting anyone to ask her out so she's got to come here? You know, if you want to sell the illusion of 'this site works' maybe you should change up the hot girl image on the log in page. Because I go back to the same line of thinking I had with my friend, if this girl is having a hard time getting a date then I'm fucked.

So I waited to see what would turn up and boy was I not disappointed. My inbox was filling up with a lot of potential matches. Then I looked at them and boy was I disappointed. Just sifting through all of them I had the flashback to the earlier set ups, "Really? This is what you're matching me up with?" But I'd paid for it so let's make the most of it. For those not familiar, let me give a brief rundown of how Dr. Neil's site works. They send you matches based on compatibility of your personality profile. Then in your personal profile, you can elect to have some things visible, pictures mostly, at certain stages of communication. There were like multiple choice questions, the lists of 'must haves/can't stands' and then some essay questions to answer and then on to open communication. And you can elect to have your photos available at any point in the communication process. I decided to have mine show up from the very start, I mean you are either going to like what I'm selling or you're not. Boy, if only more people had taken that same approach. When you don't put it out there to start with it makes me think you're trying to hide something. And then when you did get to see a picture, another warning sign should have been when they're trying to desperately crop the picture right at the chin something is amiss. Either that or the pictures of them at the grand canyon...from a distance. Hey, that's great you had a vacation and all but I've seen the grand canyon, I'm more interested in seeing you so I know who I'll be spending an evening with playing 'Why won't you make eye contact'. Oh, and another thing, in your picture maybe hold up a newspaper, or an iPhone or something so I know it's a current picture. Really? Should you even have to say that? I could care less about the picture of you from your cousin's wedding eight years ago. Again, I know I'm no treat but at least the pictures of me were representative of what you'd be signing up for. Not decade old pictures or one's you'd need to get a loupe to see me in. I know obsessing over the pictures seems a bit shallow, and you'd be right, but come on, if you don't have the confidence to post an at least one decent picture what do you expect me to think. I'm impatient, have I mentioned that,(see previous posts) so I'm one for wanting to see who I'm 'talking' with right off the bat.

So let me give you some of the highlights of my matches. There was the mute, gray tooth, neck tattoo, no eye contact, short answer and the Australian. Maybe I'll go into some more depth on those in a later post but hopefully you can pick up from just the descriptions of how well that all had worked out for me. Actually, there were a couple that almost broke on through to the other side, apologies to Jim Morrison. Wait, what do I care, he's dead. There was one that I thought was actually maybe gonna work out, then it didn't. And really, for no reason I can come up with. Really, and I'm not just saying that being blind to my flaws. I really have no idea what happened there. That's why I love the idea of a dating exit interview. "What did you like about the candidate, what didn't you like about the candidate?" And so on and so on. So what would I like to leave you with after all this incessant rambling? Well, I guess the "38 year old shortstop theory" would sum it up best. When a short stop breaks into the league at 23 or 24, he's diving all over the place trying to make plays. Fast forward to that same short stop at 38. He'll make the play if the ball is hit to him. So that's where I'm at, the 38 year old short stop of dating. I'm done diving all over the field but if one's hit right to me I'll make the play.

Favorite Holiday 1A

So I was out this afternoon looking for some Halloween costume pieces. I love Halloween, Christmas is my favorite but Halloween is coming in at 1A. And I have a couple things to look for, or I guess two different ideas. One is for an 80s rock theme and the other is for the Travelocity Gnome. I've got a really good costume that if there was no theme I would go with. It's a pimp costume. Not the typical polyester pajama looking one but an actual pimp looking costume. It's an orange, white pinstriped long jacket and suit. Complete with white fedora hat and orange shoes. Then some gold chains and rings...really, it's an awesome costume. But no place for it this year so I'll let it ride till the next occasion. So back to the 80s rock, I opted to go as Michael Anthony from Van Halen for the 80s rock. Actually, that idea had hit me earlier in the year and then it happened to be the theme we were going with where I work. And let's face it, that's really the only 80s rock person I had a shot as actually pulling off. I don't fit the mold for, oh, 97% of the acts from that era but I can kinda fit in with him. A little shorter, a little stocky and you can get a mullet wig that fits his hairstyle fairly easily. And he usually wore normal clothes, tee shirts and jeans so that would be relatively easy to put together. And the gnome just kinda came to me and that would be fairly easy to put together too. I already had a gray wig and beard from an old Jerry Garcia costume. And one of my friends mentioned getting a blue Sunggee as the robe. Which I already did, and it should work when I turn it around backward. It's not really built to be worn backward but I can make it work with some strategically place pins. And it's also fun to say I own a Snuggee. I've made fun of those for so long and now I own one. So I guess after Halloween I'll have the official uniform of depression to use anytime I'd want. But I already had something that worked as well, it's called a blanket. Actually, I have a lot of them. And it really makes me wonder, why did we need the Snuggee? Were blankets that difficult to figure out? You cover up with it and you're warm. Seems pretty simple. I see on the commercials where they make a big point out of it having sleeves but let's face it people, if a blanket is confusing to you to figure out how to get your arms free to use, you have more problems than just staying warm. But back to the costume hunt, I went out this afternoon to a Halloween store and then to a couple department stores to find the right pieces. First stop was the Halloween store, best chance of finding the mullet wig. Which I did, after a little wandering. And found the right style, not quite the right color but oh well. No costume is perfect. Needed it to be more brown than black but he style was right so that's the one I got. And I'm glad I didn't really have to look for a hat. Something weird about trying on hats in a store like that. Don't get me wrong, I really like Halloween. I enjoy dressing up but you know who else likes Halloween? Lice and dirty people. You pick up a case of that from a wayward Gandalf wizard hat you had to try on and then everyone isn't quite as huggy. But there are some really fun costumes. Especially for the ladies. And by fun I think I'm mispronouncing hot. Some people may say slutty but I guess that's a semantic argument depending on your perspective. As a single guy, I'll say they're hot and love it when you see them at parties. Not everyone is on board with those kind of costumes but I like the ladies who are, God bless you, you make the world a better place to live. And maybe pick up a couple extra. Why should the hot nurse or indian squaw be limited to only Halloween? But sadly, I have no one to convince of this theory so I got my mullet wig and left.

Then off to Walmart to find some remaining parts. I know everyone bangs on Walmart but it's close to where I live and I can find a lot of things without having to go to a lot of different stores. So there I am. And apparently everyone else in the city. Where did all these people come from. Now I will say that I normally try to shop at off hours to avoid this particular thing. There were just too many people out for my liking. Clogging up the aisles and all. And that's not even counting the horrifyingly bad drivers in the parking lot. Have I mentioned before that I'm impatient? Check one of the earlier posts. And did I also mention that I seem to have an ever so slight problem with road rage? Yelling and cursing, sometimes it sounds like I have tourettes but normally it is brought about for a good reason. It's not like I think I'm a better driver than everyone else out there, actually it's only about 85% that I think I'm better than. No, what sets me off is the driver who's not courteous or at the least seems to think they're the only one driving despite the evidence to the contrary. You know, like all the other cars. At least when I have the aneurysm I'll know what it's coming from. But after a few jackasses and people wandering aimlessly across the streets I got a spot. And really, when you're crossing at a parking lot, maybe you try to cross straight across the road and not take the longest diagonal route humanly possible. Did you notice all the other people aside from yourself trying to get places? Sigh. But I did manage to finally get into the store and the parking frustration didn't get any better. So one of the first things I noticed was in that in the area where the lawn and garden section normally lives, it was being transformed to house the Christmas items. Really? Middle of October and the Christmas stuff is out. Don't get me wrong, I do love Christmas. Just not in October. I remember the days when Halloween was it's own holiday and and didn't have Santa sticking his fat, wide ass into it. However, I had all sorts of Halloween spirit going into the store and trying to find some of the things I wanted to get and all of the 'in the way' people just sucked all the fun out of it. I was looking through all the decorations and costumes and things and it was taking me forever to navigate the store because of all the people who thought they were the only ones in the store. Really, you're blocking the aisle with your cart looking at something twelve feet away from your cart and I move it enough to get through and all of a sudden I'm the jerk for doing that? Cram that dirty look and pay attention to your cart. And the kicker to all of this angry sounding rambling? They didn't have any of the stuff I was looking for. Ok, that's not 100% true. They may have had some of it but I got so frustrated trying to navigate the sea of human cattle that was wandering the aisles of the store I had to quit and go home before there was an incident. Either me having a coronary or the police needing to be called. Probably neither actually, but it could have gotten scary which I guess ultimately would have been in the spirit of the holiday.

Evil I Tell You

So I hadn't written anything in a couple weeks and was feeling kind of bad about it. I was really excited about throwing my two cents out on to the world wide interweb when I started this. I was trying to think of anything interesting that I've had going on to bore you all with. What kind of statement is that on my life that it's taken me this long to find even the slightest thing that could be worthy of putting digital pen to digital paper. And I can't really guarantee that this is but what the heck. I was running errands this evening after work and normally I would think I would be going on and on about the drivers that were apparently only out to clog up traffic. Seriously, if your goal is to go fifty miles per hour, that's great. Do it all day long....have a ball. Just do it in the right lane because the rest of us would like to get on with it. At least when I have the aneurysm I'll know what it's from, the white blinding rage at the inconsiderate and mostly stupid drivers. I'm not in Formula One but there are a lot of times I'm pretty sure I'm better than like 85% of the drivers on the road around me. I can't say that I condone highway shootings, but I understand how they happen. But no, it's wasn't that, and it wasn't the all of the in the way people clogging up the aisles on my errands. Although there was a fun argument I overheard when I was in the men's department. There was a high school kid trying to convince...no, begging, his mom to let him get a tie. She was as adamant that he was not going to get a new tie because his dad had plenty as he was about using his own money. You all remember the phrase, "But what if I use my own money?", thinking that could change the course of an argument. No, we as kids were always wrong on that one. If we weren't getting something we weren't getting something regardless of where the funds came from. Uncle Moneybags from the Monopoly game could have walked up and given us one of those big bags of money with the dollar sign on it to spend and it still wasn't going to happen. So he was whining and begging and the little sister wasn't helping things and then the mom apparently got fed up and told them to put everything back, they weren't going to get anything and they were leaving. Really? It was just a tie, granted he was being a whiney little pain in the ass but everything goes back? I was torn as to weather to applaud the hard line or to think of her as a fascist dictator of their house and that's the only control she has (over her kids) and she's going to fully exercise it. Regardless, I was glad to see them leave and return to my quiet shopping experience. So what was it that caused me to write about the errand running and shopping experience?

Well, it was when I came to the conclusion that Kohl's is evil. Not evil in a legally actionable liable way, or evil in a 'big corporate monster' way. No, it's evil in that every time I go in there I can't leave with only what I intended to go in for. Evil I tell you, with the 20-50% off sales. Let me set the stage. I was out shopping for my sister-in-law's upcoming birthday. She, much like me and my brother, is of the age where we're hard to buy for on gift giving occasions. If we want something we'll just go out and buy it. So it's a pain in the ass now to try and find things for any of us, imagine how much fun buying presents for each other will be when we hit our seventies. You know, the historical "what do you buy for them" years. I'll worry about that when I get there. So I was at Kohl's to pick up a gift card. I know she likes Kohl's and a gift card sounded like a very good idea. The gift card, you know, the present that says I was committed to giving 43% effort in finding you a present. And the cards are in the front of the store, as is the men's department. So I figured I'd just take a quick look to see if anything jumps out at me. It's coming up on fall so I thought I'd see if there was anything new that looked good. As I was looking through my fifth rack of shirts and sweaters, I started to wonder if there was a single thing in the store that was ever sold at full retail price. Everything was on sale. And not just a little but 20 to 50% off. Even when we weren't in these economically crappy times, they would always have big percent off sales. I know everyone does it now just to get people in the store but I don't think I've ever paid full price for anything there. Evil. And as I'm carrying around three of the eventual five shirts I would be trying on is when I came across the family having the tie argument. Which I've been thinking more about since I mentioned it. Why would anyone be so dead set against letting their high school son get a tie? Really? That's where you draw the line in the sand? A tie? Not the PS3, or Grand Theft Auto, or the fixer upper car, or tattoo...a tie. I would think there would be a lot of other things you wouldn't want to buy for him or let him buy with 'his own money'...and let's face it folks, when you're that age, there is no such thing as your money. There's the thought of your own money. But it's purely a concept and normally only brought out when the argument isn't going well and you need a last line of attack. If you have an allowance, that is money your parents are letting you use. And even if you have a job they're not going to let you buy just anything so the concept of 'my own money' doesn't really apply till you're out on your own and can waste it on liquor, cars and women the way you should. But back to the clothes shopping, after the tie party left I found a couple other shirts that I like, bringing up the total to the afore mentioned five shirts. So off to the dressing room. I'm going for comfort and looks, as I'm sure a lot of people do. And it's when you're trying on clothes you come to a few realizations. First among them for me is the reaffirmation of why I'm not a clothing model. Good Lord the lights and mirrors in the dressing rooms are just mean. Couple that with the evil of the store and it's a deadly combination. Not for you but for your wallet. I understand that I'm a bald, fat guy who is swiftly approaching forty but damn, the setup in dressing rooms are always good reminder. You would think they'd want dim lighting and all that for the dressing rooms. Guess they don't want to hassle with so many returns when you eventually get to good lighting.....so look at the mirror and see who is not the fairest in the land. And I'm glad I did. I didn't like the way a couple looked in the bright light, was on the fence for one but two of them were definite buy them now shirts. So even though the dressing room highlights the balding fatness, I should really work on that but I like beer and cheese too much for not being from Milwaukee, I should be thanking the dressing room for saving me a couple bucks on some stuff I shouldn't be buying. A red sweater on a fat guy is too close to 'casual Santa wear', so thank you dressing room. I go from five down to two and I think I may have beaten the store, not too bad. I mean, they still win because I'm still leaving with two shirts I had no intention of buying but I still have a little retail dignity left because I was able to say no...to a point. But just when you think you're out they reel you back in. After I'm done checking out, which took way longer than it should have because I had the guy who was on his first day. Pleasant enough guy but still the blindingly fast pace of the first timer. Why do I always seem to get stuck with the new guy, or first day guy, or the if they think I'm working late again this weekend they can kiss my ass conversation woman. I don't mean to take you away from your oh so important conversation with your girlfriend on the next aisle but maybe you can have your discussion about what you're not going to do after you finish up scanning all my stuff? No wonder the self scanners are becoming more popular. Anyway, as I'm getting checked out one more facet of evil pops up, the ten dollars off your next purchase coupon. That just isn't fair. Now how can I not buy that last shirt that I was on the fence about? It's like they threw that coupon directly at my indecision and knocked it down on the side of buy it. Evil I tell you.